Written from present tense. Not really present tense. Many observations taken from notes I wrote on the trip.
The Middle of Nowhere (still . . .)
I'm now waiting in a gas station that isn't even in a town. The closest town has 500 people, they tell me.
I'm wondering if I really am charming, or charismatic. Do I seem that way because I really am, or because I want to be? Because I pretend?
Two people now on this trip have told me that they think they recognize me. One at the casino, and one at this gas station in the middle of nowhere. They both asked me if I'm been around before. I have two theories on this. Option one, is maybe there's a person who looked like me who happened to stop into the same casino and the same gas station.
Option two, is maybe I am charming, but in a different way than I originally thought. That when I'm being myself, and not pretending to be this outgoing, charismatic guy, my charm acts differently. That people feel like they've known me before, even though they've only just met me. I think I like that better. I like this idea. I hope that's the way it is.
One thing I'm really unsure of is if I'm an introvert or an extrovert. What is my fundamental nature there?
I really do think I care authentically about the well being and happiness of others.
I think I like my real smile. Maybe I hate all the pictures of myself because my smile is fake? But how can you like yourself is the version of yourself that you know is a fraud?
In the back of my mind, I've been wanting to change this at least since I was seventeen, and the song that I chose as my "theme song" was "The Show Must Go On," by Queen.
I told a friend recently that I thought they were going to help me make some breakthroughs. I think, in truth, that they already have. It wasn't just them, but a build - a rapid sequence of events and experiences - that made me realize that there were things in my life that I needed to step away from. Including self-hatred.
The cost of this tire replacement and tow is $400. The hotel I'll be staying at tonight is going to be $100. That's the $500 I could afford to spend and still be fine financially. I'm a little irked, but not seriously stressed, about having $700 unexpectedly vanish from my bank account. I like that.
I still have to make the decision of whether or not to try to head to the beach. With the extra cost, and the two plus hour delay that this has cost, I may not be able to make it for much of the Porcupine Tree concert. Maybe I'll head somewhere else neat, if I can find the time. But then, I also miss the beach. . . .
The Middle of Nowhere (still . . .)
I'm now waiting in a gas station that isn't even in a town. The closest town has 500 people, they tell me.
I'm wondering if I really am charming, or charismatic. Do I seem that way because I really am, or because I want to be? Because I pretend?
Two people now on this trip have told me that they think they recognize me. One at the casino, and one at this gas station in the middle of nowhere. They both asked me if I'm been around before. I have two theories on this. Option one, is maybe there's a person who looked like me who happened to stop into the same casino and the same gas station.
Option two, is maybe I am charming, but in a different way than I originally thought. That when I'm being myself, and not pretending to be this outgoing, charismatic guy, my charm acts differently. That people feel like they've known me before, even though they've only just met me. I think I like that better. I like this idea. I hope that's the way it is.
One thing I'm really unsure of is if I'm an introvert or an extrovert. What is my fundamental nature there?
I really do think I care authentically about the well being and happiness of others.
I think I like my real smile. Maybe I hate all the pictures of myself because my smile is fake? But how can you like yourself is the version of yourself that you know is a fraud?
In the back of my mind, I've been wanting to change this at least since I was seventeen, and the song that I chose as my "theme song" was "The Show Must Go On," by Queen.
I told a friend recently that I thought they were going to help me make some breakthroughs. I think, in truth, that they already have. It wasn't just them, but a build - a rapid sequence of events and experiences - that made me realize that there were things in my life that I needed to step away from. Including self-hatred.
The cost of this tire replacement and tow is $400. The hotel I'll be staying at tonight is going to be $100. That's the $500 I could afford to spend and still be fine financially. I'm a little irked, but not seriously stressed, about having $700 unexpectedly vanish from my bank account. I like that.
I still have to make the decision of whether or not to try to head to the beach. With the extra cost, and the two plus hour delay that this has cost, I may not be able to make it for much of the Porcupine Tree concert. Maybe I'll head somewhere else neat, if I can find the time. But then, I also miss the beach. . . .
