This morning, when I searched for the term "Tenken" in Google, I found that my site was the first to come up. I don't know if this will last (I suspect it won't), but I wanted to do something real quick to make it easy for people who search for the term to find all the information I provided here on my blog:

• And Tenken Means . . . ? (A summary of the meaning and origin of the term "Tenken")
• More on Seta Soujrio, the Tenken (Part one of the background/history of the character Seta Soujiro, the main origin of the term "Tenken")
• Soujiro the Tenken (Part Two) (Part two of background/history of Seta Soujiro, the Tenken)

I'll put links to any other info or entries that involve the term itself in this entry (meaning I'll edit this thing up and pop those in).

But in the meantime, let me reaffirm -- "One of Godlike speed, strength, ability, or intelligence." Yep, that's me!

~Rob Tenken~

I haven't told people this, partially because it sounds arrogant, but I'm writing an autobiography. I'm calling it 153lbs -- because that's how much I'm going to lose by the time I'm done losing weight, and it's how much I'm going to weigh when I'm done losing weight.

I intend to finish the autobiography at the same time as I finish losing the weight. So far I've written some entries about my life recently, and some about my early childhood. I just wrote this, and wanted to share it:


He finds a new addiction.

One night it's Cobra Starship,and another it's Green Day. One night it's Escape the Fate, and another it's Rise Against. Then Death Cab for Cutie, Taking Back Sunday, Silverstein Pickups, Transiberian Orchestra, Anberlin, Hey Monday, Jimmy Eat World, The Offspring, Alkaline Trio, Unwritten Law, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Billy Boy on Poison, and so many more. Newcomers and big band names. Three hundred man venues, and twenty thousand man arenas. His favorite bands and bands he's never heard of.

Whether he's there alone, or with friends, or with a girl, he gets the same thing from the concert. A new conversion. A new religion. Born again.

In the middle of the crowd, pushed one way and another, engaging in a war against a sea of pure human energy, he finds pure peace of mind. In the center of five thousand people pumping fists and jumping and screaming, he finds sanctification.

Drenched in sweat, most of it not his own.

Baptism by immersion

for the remission of sins.

Like the river Jordan, but a river of people. Like a baptismal fountain, but the fountain is pure, unadulterated human ecstasy.

God made the Universe out of chaos. But why? Nothing is more perfect than Chaos.

When you scream in rhythm with the crowd and the band, everything else starts to disappear -- mantra meditation on a nova scale. When you let yourself go, and become a part of the crowd, as you move and breathe and think and feel the way the music commands, it's complete freedom. When you are able to close your eyes, and feel the music reverberating through your body, the lights flashing through your eyelids, the crowd holding close to you as if you shared a body, you start to realize that what you think is "you" isn't actually that important after all. And you find joy.

If all sex is, is friction and fluid and energy, then I have made love to tens of thousands. If all love is, is sharing joy and having and giving complete acceptance, then I've had a hundred thousand loves.

We wake up in Vegas in time for continental breakfast (and watch some really cool head-to-head Texas Hold'em on the local station). I was dissapointed to find that I didn't wake up married, as so many people claim happens in Vegas. Alas! My plans for finding companionship were spoiled.

Everyone ate a relatively simple meal, and then (after a few delays) we hit the road again. We drove like mad towards Cali. Of course, we had to eat before the end of that trip, so we started looking out for a place to do so.

I saw a billboard that said "Peggy Sue's Diner: Get it?" And I said, "Nope. I don't get it at all."

Then, miles and miles later, there was a second sign that said "Peggy Sue's Diner: Got it?" And I said, "Now I get it!" And as expected, the last of the three billboards said "Peggy Sue's Diner: Good!"

I thought it was clever, so we went to that place for our food. It was one of those retro diners where all the dishes had clever names relating to long gone celebrities. I was pleasantly surprised to find they had veggie burgers. They also had fried pickles -- and I mean, come on, how often do you get the chance for those? So we tried that as well.

We meant to get to Long Beach that night, but got a wee bit lost along the way. We stopped at a gas station, and the people there didn't know how to get to Long Beach either -- but they knew how to get to Newport! So they gave us directions there, and that's where we headed.

We got to the beach an hour or two before sunset. I dropped Scot and Wren off at the beach and went to find a parking stop (with Ben and April providing moral support). I had to park a couple blocks down, and plug up a meter with a bunch of quarters (which I keep around, for just such occasions). I had attempted to find another place, but in a tight squeeze, I hit a park car. I got out and inspected the damage -- there was some to my car, but none to theirs. So I . . . uh, yeah . . . I didn't let that car's owner know that their car had been hit. But I swear there wasn't any damage!

We played in the waves and in the sand. We took turns burrying each other. We collected sea shells. Out in the waves, we swam. We let the waves carry us to the shore, then swam back out again. We jumped and dove into the waves.

Then I started doing gymnastics into the waves -- front flips and front hand springs, and vague attempts at maintaining hand stands while the waves crashed. Then I thought I'd be clever and do a backflip into the waves.

Ouch. I leapt backwards with a lot of force, but no form. My head crashed into the sand, which felt shockingly solid. I got out, and I felt dizzy -- but we kept playing at the beach, and we watched the sunset, and had all sorts of other good times.

By the time we started heading off from the beach, I still felt dizzy. My friends, concerned about me, took a look at my eyes and found they were dilated (and apparently had been for a couple hours or more). Oh, neat! A concussion. Regardless, I didn't feel up to driving back to Utah, and I was the only licensed driver there. So we got a hotel.

I ordered Pizza (and I paid way too much -- I blame the concussion. I would have made a smarter order if I was thinking clearly.) Then we watched the new Dane Cook special. Don't watch it, by the way. It's bad. Stick to Vicious Circle.

My friends were all worried that I might not wake up the next morning. As I started going to bed, they assumed that I couldn't hear them (apparently) and talked about how I might go into a coma. April said "What if he doesn't wake up? Then how will we get home?" Which I thought was hilarious. Ben said he wasn't worried about me, I'd be fine. Wren insisted that if I didn't wake up, they'd take me to an emergency room or similar. Scot said they'd just toss me in the back of the car or something, make sure I got enough water, and drive my car back. I thought all that was hilarious. People shouldn't assume that others are asleep. ^_^

Anyway . . .

To be continued. . . .

~Rob Tenken~

I will make this brief (and my next entry will be about the Cali trip again):

Last night I went to a concert (more on this later as well). My date and I didn't really click (she was cool, don't get me wrong! But no real spark, and we didn't seem have much to talk about.). The concert, however, was absolutely killer (I'll try to link in a couple videos I snapped from Anberlin -- wicked stuff).

But I got home, I rested up, and got up for work this morning. I got ready casually, and just felt joyous. I feel really, really good. Euphoric. And why?

Because my life is exactly what I want my life to be. As of my last weigh in, I've lost 58 lbs. My job is good, and even if I lost my job, I have a Plan B (and Plan C, and Plan D). My finances are good enough that I can pay my bills, go to concerts, travel, and go out to fancy places when I feel like it. My personal sense of joy and accomplishment are just great. I am exactly who I want to m

And then, on the way to work, I got a speeding ticket. The officer pulled me over. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" he said.
"Yes I do," I said. "I was going over the speed limit."
"I clocked you at 33 in a school zone," he said.
"Yeah, I didn't realize I was going that fast," I said. Then smiling, I said "Well, technically, I didn't realize I was going that fast -- then I saw you, and then I realized very quickly that I was going that fast."
He smiled back "Remembered your speedometer?" he asked.
"Yes sir," I said. And he wrote up a ticket, and told me I had a mandatory court date.

How did this effect my mood?

Not at all. I still feel awesome! The ticket won't be a big deal. Everything will work out. I know that. The time for the court date and the $150 to go to traffic school from there? Not a big deal to me.

Why should something as insubstantial as money effect me? Money is a symbol. If I need $150, I can get it. I can work on my businesses and make some sales, I can get rid of stuff I don't need, I can work a few extra hours and get more on top of my workload. And $150? That's petty cash.

I want to be forever like the lotus, springing from the water without getting wet. Having the water bead and fall off. That's what real happiness is. It's having such a foundation of happiness, and knowing such joy, that you can't be swayed by the variances of each day. That at the end of the day, no matter what has happened, we still have joy.

I wanted to talk about the Cali trip, but keep forgetting to do that when I've got my pictures around, so I'm going to toss the pictures into this thing after the fact. This was not the three-day weekend we just finished, but the weekend prior.

Here's how it started:

Friday, Rob gets his paycheck. "Hey, neat! Extra money," he says. Then he calls Scot and Lauren. "Hey Scot and Lauren. Come to Cali with me?"

"Sure thing!" says Scot.
"I'll get work off!" says Lauren.
"When are we leaving?" says Scot.
"In the morning," I say.
"Great!" they say ensemble.


So the next morning, after sleeping a bit late, we get rolling. As we're packing everything into the car, April (Ben's friend) comes out and asks us what we're doing.

"Going to Cali!" I say. "Wanna come?"
"I have no money," she says.
"I do!" I say.
"Are you offering to pay?" she says.
"I'm a Leo!" I say.
"Can Ben come?" she says.
"Sure!" I say. And so Ben and April pack into the car as well.


We go to Walmart, and I let everyone know that snacks for the road are a must, so we ransack Walmart for goodies. Then its off on the road!

On the trip, we blast music from three different iPods, most of us singing and dancing along to our favorite tunes. This alone is worth the trip to me. I love the feeling of roadtrips. On approaching Vegas, Lauren says she would like to see her Grandma, who lives near Vegas and is dying. She says she doesn't want to inconvenience us. I insist that we see her Grandma.

This is important for Lauren, but it's also very important for me. Last year, my Grandma, She was sick. I didn't think it was that bad. They kept saying she was going to recover, but she wasn't getting better. I was busy. I didn't visit.

They told me it's getting worse. I decided I would visit with her on Monday. My weekend was busy. Then my dad talks to my Grandma on Sunday, and she wants to know how I'm doing. She wants to know how my life is. It's the last conversation she has with him. She asks about me, my dad leaves, and she dies hours later.

I was going to go on Monday, and she died Sunday. It's the greatest single regret that I have at this point in my life. There was something painfully cathartic about helping Wren in this way.

Wren says she's sorry that it took so long. We miss most of the Vegas shows, and we decide to stay in Vegas for the night. I tell her to not apologize -- that even if this was the only reason for the trip, I would have gone. That it was a big deal to me, being able to help her like that.

We watch a couple amazing performances at Circus Circus, including an amazing juggler and some absolutely mind-boggling contortionist types. Then we walk down the strip, thinking this will be faster than driving.



Our mistake! We get to take in the strip, walking past drunken revelers and street performers. We take our time absorbing the different sites and different casinos (mostly from the outside). We laugh at what must be the fanciest Walgreens in the world. We get a great workout, since it's a three hour or so walk down the strip from Circus Circus (our first location) to the Bellagio (our final destination), including stops.





We stop inside the Flamingo on the way and go to their miniature zoo, taking a look at flamingos, coy fish, ducks, turtles, and more. The flier we got from our hotel said there were supposed to be penguins there. We look around for twenty minutes, trying to find penguins. We end up asking someone where they are. They haven't had penguins here in forever, apparently.

So we continue to the Bellagio, too late for the actual fountains, but we go down to the conservatory. The entire place is basically closed up, and they're doing some cleaning. We were very lucky! No one else was there. It was just us, and we got to enjoy all the beauty and art of the conservatory, walking around all by our lonesomes.

The art was absolutely amazing. The blown glass and sculptures and jumping water. It was so incredibly romantic.








The truth is, if it wasn't for the fact that the Bellagio exists, I would never bother stopping into Vegas. The Bellagio is the greatest redeeming thing about the city. It's so full of art and beauty, and it feels like an elysium in the center of a hurricane.

From there, we got a cab back to the car, and headed back to the hotel. We crashed for the night, committing to leaving early the next morning in order to get to Cali -- another four hours of driving to the west.

To be continued. . . .

~Rob Tenken~

This will be the subject of several entries, and will contain many photos and other such things.

To start with, though, let me say that over the last four days, I slept in four different places. Provo, Vegas, Newport Beach, and Price.

I will go over these events in my next few entries, doing one day at a time.

See you then,

~Rob Tenken~

Okay, so last time, we left Seta Soujiro, the master swordsman known as the Tenken, recalling the past that led him to the life as a remorseless samurai.

Last we saw, in fact, Soujiro was given a sword by Shishio, and was told that if he wanted to "become strong" he could use that. In other words, kill his abusive family. Soujiro concludes that, though this may be the path to strength, it's not so bad being weak.

Fast forward a little bit. Soujiro's "family" realizes that a lot of their rice has been going missing. Not only that, but a lot of their bandages (Shishio was so badly burned that his entire body was wrapped in bandages, by the way -- don't think I mentioned that last time). So, they put the pieces together, and realize that someone has been harboring Shishio using their supplies. They assume (correctly) that it must be Seta. His family goes to confront him.

So, Seta's oldest half-brother (in a drunken haze) goes to confront Soujiro, wielding his sword threateningly. As his drunken fervor becomes more intense, he begins threatening to take Soujiro's life. Seta refuses to tell them anything about Shishio -- and in response, the second oldest brother tells the oldest brother that he should just go ahead and kill Seta. After all, there's a known murderer in the area. They can just blame him. No one would be the wiser.

Seta's half-sister pushes his oldest brother further, saying that by killing the brat, they may even get a reward from the government for "helping the investigation" on Shishio. So the oldest brother lunges at Soujiro, sword in hand. Soujiro runs like mad, but is chased by his family, who now seem intent on taking his life. Soujiro screams and screams for help, but no one responds. Eventually, Soujiro makes it to the building where he stashed the sword Shishio gave him. He crawls under the building, and is chased by the second oldest brother, who wields a knife at him.

Eventually, Soujiro gets to the sword. His half-brother is still swinging wildly at him. Seta swings back -- taking his half-brothers life. His family hears the scream from where they wait (just outside the building) and assume that it's Soujiro who has been killed. They're shocked when Seta is the one who comes out.

Then the oldest of Seta's half-brothers lunges at him with the sword. Soujiro kills him -- then kills his half-sister and his step-mother.

As Seta Soujiro looks at the bloody mess of his family's body, Shishio Makato comes upon him. It's raining heavily. Shishio looks at Soujiro. "Are you crying?" he says.

"No," says Soujiro with a smile.

Shishio congratulates him for being such a cold-hearted killer, and takes young Soujiro under his wing. "Can I be strong?" asks the soon to be Tenken. "Sure," says Shishio. "Second strongest in the world. After me."

So Shishio trains the boy to become a Tenken -- a person of Godlike speed, strength, intelligence, and ability.

Now, back to the fight with Kenshin, Soujiro is fighting using his absolutely amazing abilities, but his swings are getting slower -- less intent on the kill. Soujiro keeps thinking to himself that Himura Kenshin is stupid. That it's pathetic to take care of those who are weak. The weak die, the strong live. The flesh of the weak is the food of the strong. It's the natural way of things.

He's repeating this again and again to himself as he fights against Kenshin (and it's an epic battle -- truly epic). Finally, as he goes to charge Kenshin at "one degree away from" his maximum speed, he thinks to himself If it's right to save people who were weak, then back then, why didn't you protect me? Why didn't anyone protect me? Then he says, their swords locked, "You didn't protect me. If what you say is right, then why didn't you protect me?"

This is the first time we've really seen Tenken showing any emotion. It gives Kenshin the advantage, though, because if Kenshin can read his emotions, he can expect where his attack will come from. Kenshin dodges the attack, but then moves back instead of attacking Soujiro. "You said 'why didn't you protect me'? I'm trying to think what you're talking about, but I can't think what it might be."

Seta starts to have a massive breakdown. He starts flailing, clutching his head as he stumbles around the room, screaming. Everyone looks at him, totally shocked. I mean, this is the kid who doesn't show emotion. (He's 18 at this point, by the way.) And here he is, having a total psychotic breakdown.

Kenshin explains his perspective as the Tenken starts to calm down. He explains how he took many lives himself, and then took a vow to never kill. That strength doesn't come by winning battles, and that victory doesn't mean the same thing as truth.

Soujiro eventually calms down, but then looks at Kenshin and says "I only know one way to get to the bottom of this," and prepares to launch into battle again. He announces that he's going to use his maximum strength this time around.
(This is a video of the full fight. If you've got ten minutes, it's for sure worth watching.)
Kenshin responds by using his ouji -- an ultimate move that is incredibly physically draining for Kenshin. As the swords clash, Soujiro's sword is cut in half, and Seta is struck with a powerful blow (not killed, because Himura doesn't kill -- he uses a Sakabato, or reverse blade katana, so it's a blunt weapon).

Soujiro lies on the ground, and says that Kenshin's victory proved it. His way of thinking is right. Kenshin says that's not true -- that winning a battle doesn't mean a thing for truth. That you have to discover the truth on your own.

Kenshin now has to hurry on to fight Shishio, so he leaves Soujiro the Tenken with Yumi (who's basically Shishio's girlfriend). When Kenshin and his companions leave, Seta stands and approaches Yumi. He tells her that he has to warn Shishio about Himura's ouji -- and he explains to Yumi how Kenshin's ouji works.

He tells Yumi the fastest way to get to Shishio -- a secret passage from the room. He then thinks to himself, Shishio gave me a sword, and if it were not for that sword, I would not be alive today. And though the weak may die and the strong live, I never really wanted to kill anybody.

And Shishio. That night, in the rain. I may have been smiling, but I was crying, too. I was crying.

So, Soujiro is now able to cry and experience his long suppressed emotions once again. He decides that he will follow in Himura's footsteps, using his strength to atone for the evils that he has done.

So, that's basically the end of Soujiro's story! I've already made this entry super long, so I won't go all that much into why he's one of my favorite fictional characters. To summarize, though, his strength and complete control of emotion is an amazing step one. He's a very cool, and very deep character. He's the sort of villain who you kind of want to win. But more than that, his story is a story of redemption. Of looking yourself in the face. Of acknowledging how you feel, and who you are, rather than fighting it. This connects to me on a deep level.

So yeah, anyway! That's why I go by "Rob Tenken" and why my blog is titled "Tenken at Heart." Because the word Tenken has some awesome meanings, and this character who I stole the name from is absolutely awesome.

Anyway, that's all, guys!

Over and out,

~Rob Tenken~

So, I decided to do a commemorative entry! Why, you might ask? What am I commemorating?

Well, I found out today that my website comes up on the first page of Google when you search for the term "Tenken." Since it's a pseudonym I've been using for a while, I think that's cool. So I decided to commemorate by buying the domain name for this blog -- changing it from tenkenatheart.blogspot.com to simply tenkenatheart.com. And of course, I'm following up by doing this commemorative entry on the source of my pseudonym, Soujiro the Tenken.

So, I want to tell you a little bit more about this character, Seta Soujiro, and why I like him so much. Hopefully the story will make that obvious, but we'll see!


Soujiro has many powerful abilities. In his first confrontation with the hero of the series (Kenshin), the two are forced to a draw (which is incredible in and of itself, because Kenshin is basically supposed to be the ultimate swordsman). Soujiro the Tenken not only could have won this battle if the two kept fighting (Kenshin's sword was cut in half, while his own was merely showing deep cracks) but it's later revealed that Soujiro was not using his most powerful abilities.

There's one ability that makes him very easy to differentiate from the get-go, though, and that's the fact that he doesn't show any emotion. At all. He's always smiling. Even expert swordsmen, who rely on reading their enemies emotions through subtle things (like micro-expressions, muscle tension, etc.) can't read him. And the reality is, he doesn't show these signs because he hasn't just hidden his emotions. He's controlled them -- completely.

He and Kenshin fight a second time, right towards the end of the second season, and we get the chance to find out a lot more about our good friend the Tenken. First of all, we learn his most major ability (the one he never unleashed on Kenshin) -- he has "Godlike speed." In fact, he moves so fast that he cannot be seen with the naked eye. Tenken tauntingly starts out slower, saying "Okay, I'm going to attack with three degrees slower than that this time." As Kenshin narrowly fights off each attack, Soujiro the Tenken reveals that he is irritated with Kenshin. He says that he doesn't understand him at all. Why would a swordsman like Kenshin take a vow to never kill people? The weak die, the strong survive. That's the natural order of things.

It becomes more clear that this is bothering Soujiro very deeply. His swings become slower. He begins thinking back to his own life, and how it led him to throw his lot in with Shishio. It begins telling his backstory:

Seta was the bastard child of a wealthy businessman and a common whore. The whore died in childbirth, and so his father took him in. His father died when Soujiro was very young, and so Seta was taken care of by his "step-mother" and his step-brothers and sisters. His half-siblings treated him horribly, constantly beating him, and basically making him do slave labor (a la Cosette, actually).

Seta started realizing that if he cried or complained or got angry, he was just beaten worse -- so he supressed these emotions, just smiling instead.

Then one day, Soujiro came upon Shishio -- a renegade from the law, and Seta witnessed a gruesome murder (Shishio killed two guards who were pursuing him). When young Seta, fascinated by the swordsman, asked him why he killed those people, Shishio said it was simple. "The flesh of the weak is the food of the strong. It's the natural order of things." Shishio then tells Soujiro that if he doesn't get him food, he'll kill him too. So Seta agrees.

Soujiro keeps bringing Shishio food, and Shishio talks to the boy about who he is and why he hates the government of the Meiji era (how they betrayed him, etc.). He tells Seta Soujiro that the reason his family beats him is not because his family is evil -- but because he, Soujiro, is weak. Shishio gives Soujiro a sword, and says "Use this if you want to be strong."

Soujiro contemplates the sword while he's alone, but eventually says "Maybe Shishio is right -- but is it so wrong to be weak?" He stashes the sword underneathe a building.

To be continued in the next entry. . . .

I love it when I see kids wearing capes in public, because I know it means that their parents are letting them dream.

I love it when I see fat people out walking, because I know it means that they're trying to make themselves more than what they are.

I love it when I see people dancing without shame to the music that blasts from their car's sound system, because I know it means that they've stopped caring what other people think about their joy.

I love it when I remember that this world and my life are not my fault, because it reminds me that my existence and all things in it are beautiful gifts.

I love it when I lose track of the time while I listen to music, because I can think of no better way to waste a day.

I love it when friends who haven't seen me in a long time attack me with hugs, because it makes me feel that maybe I'm worth missing.

I love it when cute girls smile at me, because I like imagining that some of them have secret crushes on me.

I love it when a TV show or a book or a video game make me cry, because it reminds me how beautiful life is, and that art and stories -- what I want to do with my life -- can capture that beauty and remind people of it.

I love it when people break tension or arguments by making someone laugh, because it reminds me that even the worst things in life shouldn't be taken too seriously.

I love it when I remember that I've had the amazing opportunity to fall completely head-over-heels in love on two separate occasions, because it gives me hope that there may yet be a third chance.

I love it when cats approach me at random, because it makes me feel like I may be emanating some kind of love with my energy.

I love it when I remember that my kindergarten teacher said that "Rob is love and joy," because the more I've lived, the more I've realized that this is the single most important thing that I can ever be.

I love it when people ask me how to spell difficult words, because it makes me feel like they trust me and respect me.

I love it when the sun paints the entire skyscape colors of gold and red and orange, because it reminds me that, even if this world is the result of chance, it's still the so incredibly beautiful that it overwhelms me.

I love it when I can channel love like this -- because it's amazing, and I want it to be so contagious that everyone else in the world feels it, too.

And of course -- raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens.

~Rob Tenken~
Wanderer

There are many stages of otherness which we must overcome in order to attain peace and happiness, and fulfill our greatest potential.

First, we may say of other people, "This man is my enemy" -- but we must overcome this, and realize he is not an enemy.

Then we may say, "This man is an obstacle" -- but we must realize that he is no obstacle.

Then we may say, "This man is a stranger" -- but we must realize that he is no stranger.

Then we must say "This man is a friend," and realize, truly, that all others are our friends, and that a lack of friends is limited only by a lack of an ability to love.

Then we must say "This man is my family," and realize that truly, we are all family in this world.

And finally, we must realize the truth. Not only that they are a friend and a member of our family, but that we can declare in all truth -- "This man is me."

Christ said "Love thy neighbor as thyself." Many eastern religions teach that we are all one -- even though we are many. This Universal truth has been repeated again and again throughout time.

We are all woven into the same Universal fabric. We think, somehow, that as we tug and fray at the strings of others that our own position will improve -- when in reality, we are merely surrounding ourselves with pain, distrust, sorrow, and the others tears and frays of this world. It is only when we realize that we should be helping others that we find true peace -- and realize we are creating a beautiful thing in the world.

We sometimes submit ourselves to suffering, to pain, over jealousy or selfishness. How unnecessary when we realize that we are all part of the same thing! Why be jealous of those who have what you do not, when they and you are the same? Why be angry over tasks or responsibilities that are placed on you, when all others are the same as you? Why feel unworthy or less than others, when no others truly exist?

There is a universal oneness. As a cup of water scooped from a lake, we are not within the lake anymore, but we are still of the lake, and will readily return when the cup dissolves.

Life is eternal. Consciousness, in the way we experience now, (I believe) is not, even cannot be. But life and existence will extend, and has extended, forever.

I am currently experiencing a beautiful spiritual euphoria, brought about by a wonderful moment of clarity yesterday. It was a shift in mindset, where dozens of scattered pieces fell together in unison in my mind. It has a lot to do with space/time phenomenology -- and the subjective nature of time -- but I'll try my best to explain.

Over the weekend, I spent a lot of time with dear friends. Some of these friends were parts of couples -- Scot and Wren, and Ben and April. They are the openly affectionate sort, which I think is wonderful. However, my own personal craving for companionship was, in a way, goaded by seeing them. There was a point where the emotions built to a sense of rage. This was not helped by the fact that a friend of mine mentioned in passing that my most recent ex was in a long distance relationship of sorts -- something that built a different sort of ache in me. My friend was mentioning it in passing. That she was having some sort of trouble with that relationship. That she was struggling. I don't know the details.

All this was compounded by a depression, and I felt quite nearly helpless by Sunday night. I was in a dark place. Of course, I didn't show it. I never do. But I was struggling.

And then, sitting around with my friends late last night, I thought of my ex again for a moment. First, I thought of her and remembered holding her, and being held by her, the way that my friends now held each other. And the clarity came, like storm clouds parting to a Summer day.

Everything I have had already, I will have forever. Everything that I have yet to have is already painted across the Universe of possibility in astonishing shades beyond imagination. All that I can imagine, and all that I can desire, is within my grasp.

Seraphim held me once, and I held her, and so we are forever holding each other. The love we built is immortal. There will never be a place in time or space or anything where she is not holding me and loving me -- and that is beautiful. There will never be a place in time or space where I am not holding her. The same can be said of Kayla, and every other person I have held.

It's a beautiful thing, to be held like this! It's beautiful to be loved, and to have an immortal love built into the experiences of your life. And so the clarity came, and pieces fell into place. I want Seraphim to have love in her life. I want her to be loved and to be held, because these are wonderful things. That her world, that the world of all I have loved, should be added to in joy -- that they may feel good things, beautiful things, positive things with another. Why should I ever wish that this would not be the case? That they may have more love in the infinity of their Universe? What could ever be wrong with this. I do not want her to have to struggle or feel pain. Why should I be angry that she has, or is seeking, greater happiness? Why have I been angry? I should be happy for her. I am happy for her.

Why would I want to wish against more beautiful, wonderful things being in the Universe? As the Universe's energies come into us, we change them. Everything is energy at its most root level. Some energy is hostile, dark, or unpleasant. If we can take these energies and change them to positive things -- love, kindness, charity, hope -- then why wouldn't we? Perhaps this is a form of our immortality as well. That we shift the energies of the cosmos into something more beautiful.

My past is beautiful, and my future is both impenetrable and so amazing that it can hardly be contained within the mortal Universe. I am eager, I am wanting, and I am complete in knowing that my existence is already eternal, and contains a myriad of beautiful "maybes," which I (were I aware of them) would drool at.

Time. Space. Reality. So "solid" in our minds, but truly so ephemeral. I am wanting, eager, and enthralled by the majesty of it all. I will wish well for myself -- and more importantly, for all those around me. I want all around me to feel more love, more grace, more purpose, and more joy in their lives. That we may all be happy and content -- what ill could ever come of this?

And we are all one. None of us are alone, because we're all in this together. We're all a part of the same thing, the same cosmos. We -- all of us, all things and people, from plants and rocks and dust, to animals and human -- we share a common ancestor. A "big bang," science says. A singular energy source. We're all part of the same thing. And that thing is eternal and absolutely amazing. And we -- even if not our conscious mind, or our ego -- will always be, and always have been, a part of it.

The problem with "time" in the human mind is that we somehow view it as linear. The "past" is a devalued thing, seen somehow as unimportant due to our interpretation of it as stable. The "future" is seen as alterable and controllable, despite the infinite unknowns. But the reality is, the present, the now, is all that is real. Infinite "nows" clustered, like the facets of a gem, that we experience one at a time in sequence. And we say "this is a sequence, so this is a line" -- but it's not. It's a sphere, with no beginning or ending, top or bottom, now or then or yet to be.

Welcome to Angelus Errare -- where angels lose their way. But how beautiful it is, at times, to be lost.

Euphoria. Clarity. Peace. I feel such wonderful things right now. I want everyone to be happy -- truly happy -- and I truly want that. It's absolutely amazing to feel this way. I hope so sincerely that I can hold onto this forever!

Smile, all of you. Smile for me and remember that I want you to be happy. Because I love you, all of you -- whoever you are.

~Rob Tenken~