Today left me in desperate need for some form of laughter.

http://xkcd.com/572/ - oddly profound, but maybe just my mood today
http://xkcd.com/566/
http://xkcd.com/559/
http://xkcd.com/556/
http://xkcd.com/554/
http://xkcd.com/544/
http://xkcd.com/541/ - only because I've had this exact question on many occasions (oddly enough :) )
http://xkcd.com/540/ - qualified thanks to Napoleon's forces
http://xkcd.com/536/
http://xkcd.com/530/
http://xkcd.com/528/
http://xkcd.com/526/ - more because it's useful than because it's funny

Done through 520. :)

I thought I'd give a bit of an update.

I really enjoy my Shakespeare class. I love jumping into the conversation, even though I sometimes feel like I monopolize it. I don't mean to. Shakespeare is just so interesting! I could easily write essays and essays about any Shakespeare play that I've read.

So much happens behind the words. Like this - I'm reading Much Ado About Nothing right now (good play - and no, not all of Shakespeare's plays qualify as good to me). As part of that, I get to perform a scene for the class (the "Kill Claudio" scene).

And reading the play, I've been examining Benedict's character, and I've come to the strong conclusion that he has really been through a lot of stuff that Shakespeare doesn't mention. He has this guarded, boastful persona. He talks about his consumption of alcohol, how he doesn't trust women. I think he was really cheated, once. That he was madly in love with a girl, and the girl used him and mistreated him and betrayed him. I think he was once meek and kind and good and all the other things, but was so torn up because of this woman who is never mentioned, that it changed him.

This may be guesswork - but I can't help but think that Shakespeare intended some things like this. He has such beautiful psychology present in his characters.

It's also really beautiful performing again. I've missed it. I want to act, and direct. As a hobby, yes. But I'm taking next Semester off, and performing is part of the why.

I have had some emotionally draining occurrences in my life, and beyond that a lot of things that have used up a lot of time (certainly not a bad thing, by the way), and so I'm behind. I caught up at work yesterday, though, and have a game plan for getting back on top of it. Expect a random political post examining Capitalism as my way of venting when my bosses piss me off. . . .

Last night, for the first time in a long while, I cooked my own food. As a note - Portabello Mushrooms in a red wine spaghetti sauce is a very good idea. Especially when the edges of the Portabello get charred ever so slightly against the side of the pan. I love cooking my own food.

I've had the chance to talk to a lot of friends recently. Even though I'm not a huge fan of phone conversations (they're so lacking compared to in-person interaction), I'm really glad that you guys have called. I really like that I have friends who like me enough that they want to chat with me, and keep in touch.

On the subject of being a real boy (yes, still an ongoing experiment), one of the prominent changes I have noticed in being less guarded, putting on less of a show, is that people apologize to me more. I'm talking about a lot of people. Friends, yes, but also my clients. I've had a client who called just to apologize for being temperamental with me, and another who, after apologizing on the phone with me, refused to accept that it was okay - that he insisted that he had treated me very badly, and was sorry, and that it wasn't just okay.

It's made me realize a connection between a couple of dots that I may not have gotten otherwise. People have told me I'm intimidating - which I haven't understood. They've said that I'm difficult to approach. I haven't known why. I think this is it. When I'm showing my real emotions, my real self, and not this phony happy exterior, people seem to relate more - to trust more - to connect more. But this experiment is still quite new, so we'll see how it goes from here.

Cheers,

Rob Tenken

History forgets all of the couples who get their happy ending. We are obsessed with Romeos and Juliets, Pyramuses and Thisbes, Tristans and Isoldes. We become paralyzed by Samsons and Delilahs, enthralled with Anthonies and Cleopatras.

It is the hardship of love that draws humans in. It is a hardship that makes us believe that something deep runs in the connection between two people - so deep, that a world and all of its obstacles, cannot trump it.

Is this because stories were made by an oppressed lower class seeking to believe that their emotions were stronger than castles and swords? Is this because the stories helped overcome depression and see meaning in the world? Is it an obsession with love conquering all?

No. Again and again, the love in these stories fails. Love ends in disaster, and still we follow the story of all of our poor heroes - their love itself being both boon and hubris.

There is an occasional Wesley and Buttercup - an occasional Cinderella and Prince Charming - but in general, happy endings are reserved for harlequin romances and G rated movies. Those tales that reach a happy endings always do so by a hairs breadth, and somehow never gain the quality of legend that the failures have received.

Orpheuses and Euridices, Lancelots and Guinevere - in all the famous love stories, for all their nuances, the end plot remains predictable. Everyone loses. Mostly, everyone dies. What is it that makes us connect love and tragedy? Or is it not our nature, but the nature of love itself? Whatever the case, when it comes right down to it, we seem to prefer a Heros and Leanders to Jarods and Maryanns.

Who were Jarod and Maryann, you ask?

. . . exactly!

But maybe this Jarod and Maryann existed some time, once upon a time. Maybe they were a simple couple who lived in a cottage in the middle of rural France, tending a farm, raising a family. Devoted to each other and their little paradise, that they cared about so much. The sort that can really exist. Those are the sorts who get a real "happily ever after," but despite all the purity and beauty of that, we don't seem to think them worthy of one ounce of a storyteller's ink.

I have mentioned recently that my previous definitions of Capitalism are a bit off. Mostly, that I thought pro-business meant pro-Capitalism. I've never been in favor of all that Capitalism stands for. About the same time that I debated in favor of Capitalism, I started writing (but didn't get very far in) an essay about Capitalism. It started like this:

"Once, in distant lands, and times that are now ancient history, people sacrificed animals, and even humans, to old Pagan Gods. In the Holy Lands, Christian Templars cried out the name of Christ to justify the spilling of heathen blood. In modern times, terrorists and zealots cry out 'Allah' and 'Jihad' as they level full city blocks.

"Here in the civilized world, however, there are atrocities and crimes still being committed. We, like people of old, call out the name of an almighty God; the God of Profit."

Capitalism certainly doesn't mandate greed. But it certainly does reward it. Those who are willing to tread on others the most will get more short-term gain. That short-term gain would expire, except the reinvestment of it allows for increased market share, and larger profits still.

It's basic psychology. You reward the behavior that you want to have continue. If we reward greed, greed continues. If we reward underpaying employees, underpaying employees continue. If we reward cutting corners and cutting costs, then these things will only magnify.

What are we rewarding? It's not all bad. Courage, risk-taking, intelligence, and creating a better product - all good things. A greater awareness of the trends and markets. A greater ability to be efficient and effective. The reason I stand behind business is all of this. I believe strongly that people should be encouraged to be daring, to use all their resources, to be hard workers, and to provide better for their market. I think, in this way, everyone wins.

Is there a possible compromise? One in which all the good of business is encouraged, while eliminating the bad? Perhaps so, and perhaps no.

Is a minimum wage truly sufficient to eliminate unfair wages? Absolutely not. Especially not while we allow people to send work overseas for lower than the minimum wage. A lack of enforcement, and a poor immigration policy, also make this more difficult.

Is punishing monopolies and unfair business practice enough to prevent these things? No, certainly not. The reward is too great to violate the rules, and the punishments too inconsistent. The rules themselves, and the punishments, are too easy to sway, when the reward for violating them is the playing piece for changing the rules.

Money runs the system. Money keeps the politicians in office. Money keeps people watching the news stations. Money is power. It's not to be contested. That's not a guess. It just is. Money is a symbol for power. The power to do what is very flexible.

What determines the distinction between legality and morality? Well, lawmakers. Lawmakers determine at what point we draw the line, at what point we punish, and at what point we move on. But the lawmakers are owned by a system that establishes greed as a precedent - they are offered more power by allowing others to have more power. Denying the others power will merely diminish their own power. So the laws are bought as well.

Are they completely? Can a person refuse to be bought? Certainly so, but in that very act, so disempowers himself that his refusal is made worthless, and he allows for someone who is willing to be bought to take his place. Money is mandatory for office, for public position. The noble in spirit will refuse the money, and so be taken away from control.

Everyone loses.

If you reward corruption, corruption continues.

So, what do we do? Can we keep the good, and eliminate the bad? The entrepeneurial spirit that allows a man to exercise a free will, and forge through hard work, intelligence, and determination a life for himself?

I've been reading very little, and thinking quite a lot, and I should reverse that. The systems of government that I could contemplate are so entirely different that it is hard for me to understand them fully. My personality being what it is, it makes me want to start a co-op business, and understand it first hand.

I'll call this next part hypothetical. Some of you know where I work. I will say someone else is talking. A manager, who thinks of himself as a moralist, may say:

"I know how much my company pays for my services. I know more than anyone in the company how much it costs to fulfill our contract. I know how profitable we are. If we were to change our procedures, we could make our clients more successful. We could make our success rates boom, and our cancellations drop through the floor. We could make a huge impact in the life of many. And we don't. For what is basically a 50% increase in profit.

Our employees are stuck in what basically smells like a moral gutter. They question their jobs. They have trouble sleeping at night. They have told me this. And we sacrifice this, for a 50% increase in profit, that those doing the work never see.

I'm bothered by this. I'm bothered by a lot of things. But what is the solution, when my stepping aside only allows for someone less moral to take my place? When the one who took my place would only let success rates drop further?"

I don't feel my mind has changed, though I have thought some more things through. What solutions are there? How can we maintain the good, which I feel is so extraordinarily important, while eliminating the bad?

Maybe I'm just depressed about my job today. But this has all been very interesting to think about.

The next think blog I'm going to do is on the subject of free will, so that should be interesting.

As all of you know, there are a lot of funny webcomics out there. There are also a lot of not so funny webcomics out there. Most webcomics are a mix of both.

That's part of why I try to keep up on only so many. Until recently, that's been:

http://www.giantitp.com
http://redvsblue.com
http://www.explosm.net

Part of the reason for this is that I'm slightly obsessive compulsive on my web comics (I can't miss one, or I feel . . . well, I'm slightly obsessive compulsive, okay?!) As such, when I start a new webcomic series, I tend to go through and read all of the entries, back to the beginning, and then keep up on it daily. (Often checking multiple times daily, despite knowing that they only update once per day or less).

Well, XKCD has officially made the cut. I've been amused by several of these things XKCD comics before, but it finally made that oh-so-hard list of comics Rob will follow.

As I descend into the depths of XKCD, returning from entry 640(ish) to 1, I will be linking the ones that really struck my funny bone. Here's what we've got so far:

(This is intentionally a very picky selection - there are several I found to be amusing, or oddly profound, but chose not to include here. These are just the ones that made me literally laugh out loud.)

http://xkcd.com/641/
http://xkcd.com/628/
http://xkcd.com/618/
http://xkcd.com/614/ (barely made the cut)
http://xkcd.com/612/

Damn . . . #612 was funny enough, that it put me in a mood to laugh at all of the ones after it. Maybe these, but I'm not sure:

http://xkcd.com/611/
http://xkcd.com/610/

http://xkcd.com/605/
. . .
I need to be more picky. A lot of these are making me laugh out loud. Maybe I'll narrow it down to only the ones that make me do so loudly?

This one for SURE qualifies, though!:
http://xkcd.com/604/

http://xkcd.com/590/ (you won't get that one . . . but God, it's hilarious)
http://xkcd.com/582/

And we'll leave it there for now. That's 60 comics or so, 11 or so of which made me laugh out loud, at least two of them quite loudly.

You will be kept updated as my fantastic XKCD journey continues. . . .

Written from present tense. Not really present tense. Many observations taken from notes I wrote on the trip. Many just from recollection.

Day 3 (technically)
Mesquite

I decided that, since I would be missing all but the tail end of the concert, and it would cost me another tank and a half of gas to get there, and the hotels are more expensive there, I would simply turn around and head back, rather than continuing to LA.

I tried to decide whether or not I could make it home - or maybe just to Cedar City - for the night, but a storm made up my mind.

Lightning cracking over the desert is a beautiful sight. The wind and storm that accompany it make for exciting driving. My car was being knocked from side to side by some of the strongest winds I've ever driven in (if not the strongest winds). I didn't want to drive through the twisted canyon that separates Arizona and Nevada while that was still going on, so I stayed in Mesquite again.

Shockingly, I decided not to gamble. . . .

I really enjoy the fact that I have friends I can stay up into the night talking to, even if it is just online, despite the fact that this sometimes leaves me sleep deprived. More than one friend has started a conversation online with me tonight, for which I am grateful.

Maybe I really have started to make some breakthroughs. Maybe this is just premature enlightenment.

Here are some of my final reflections on this trip.

In talking to friends, I've been using the word KABLOOEY to describe how it's been going. Considering the car issues, the extra cost, the fact that I missed the concert, all of that, it seems like an appropriate word.

BUT, I'm not upset at how this trip has gone. The point of the trip was to think some things through, and make up my mind about a few things. In that way, the trip has served its purpose.

Also, though the point was supposedly for this concert, too, I'm not mad about missing it. Hundreds, maybe thousands, attended that Porcupine Tree concert. I'd wager I'm the only one who picked up trash on the side of the freeway while waiting for a tow truck. Oddly, I think I like my story better.

Part of the reason is all these little significant experiences I had. While picking up trash, I saw stories everywhere. A shattered cell phone. Dozens of flat tire scraps. I think my favorite was a CD, and I was curious what it was. I plugged it into my car's CD player, and it seems that it's a love mix. A love mix that someone threw out of their car onto the side of a California Freeway.

I caught the tail end of their story. I like that. It's the same reason I like graveyards. I like wondering what happened, and knowing that I'm connected to everyone else. That I can bear witness for the human race, for their existence, and for some small degree of their nature. I guess that's why I want to be a writer.

Some trips are about getting some place, or doing something specific. Some trips are far more about the journey than about the destination.

Written from present tense. Not really present tense. Many observations taken from notes I wrote on the trip.

The Middle of Nowhere (still . . .)

I'm now waiting in a gas station that isn't even in a town. The closest town has 500 people, they tell me.

I'm wondering if I really am charming, or charismatic. Do I seem that way because I really am, or because I want to be? Because I pretend?

Two people now on this trip have told me that they think they recognize me. One at the casino, and one at this gas station in the middle of nowhere. They both asked me if I'm been around before. I have two theories on this. Option one, is maybe there's a person who looked like me who happened to stop into the same casino and the same gas station.

Option two, is maybe I am charming, but in a different way than I originally thought. That when I'm being myself, and not pretending to be this outgoing, charismatic guy, my charm acts differently. That people feel like they've known me before, even though they've only just met me. I think I like that better. I like this idea. I hope that's the way it is.

One thing I'm really unsure of is if I'm an introvert or an extrovert. What is my fundamental nature there?

I really do think I care authentically about the well being and happiness of others.

I think I like my real smile. Maybe I hate all the pictures of myself because my smile is fake? But how can you like yourself is the version of yourself that you know is a fraud?

In the back of my mind, I've been wanting to change this at least since I was seventeen, and the song that I chose as my "theme song" was "The Show Must Go On," by Queen.

I told a friend recently that I thought they were going to help me make some breakthroughs. I think, in truth, that they already have. It wasn't just them, but a build - a rapid sequence of events and experiences - that made me realize that there were things in my life that I needed to step away from. Including self-hatred.

The cost of this tire replacement and tow is $400. The hotel I'll be staying at tonight is going to be $100. That's the $500 I could afford to spend and still be fine financially. I'm a little irked, but not seriously stressed, about having $700 unexpectedly vanish from my bank account. I like that.

I still have to make the decision of whether or not to try to head to the beach. With the extra cost, and the two plus hour delay that this has cost, I may not be able to make it for much of the Porcupine Tree concert. Maybe I'll head somewhere else neat, if I can find the time. But then, I also miss the beach. . . .

Written from the present tense, but based almost entirely off of three tiny note pad papers that I scrawled on, front and back.

Day 2
The Middle of Nowhere

One of the things I do like about myself is my ability to turn weaknesses into strengths. For example, it is very hard to upset me these days. My temper was once a huge obstacle. Also, I'm unattached to material things.

How much of what I've told myself is a lie? I mentioned before that I am not friendly, but am kind. That I'm not confident, but am brave.

This is going to cost me a ton, but it's a lesson well learned. I'm in a tow truck right now. The entire thing - replacing a tire, from a flat in the middle of Nowhere, California, will cost me about $400. But I don't see the cost as a tragedy. I see it as a learning opportunity. I think I really am adaptable. Also, I think I do good things for good reasons.

Like this. I was waiting for the tow truck, which took a while to arrive, and I saw all this trash on the side of the freeway. I noticed it all while I was walking to the call box to ask for assistance (I love Cali's call boxes. Such a good idea.). From bottles of Guinness to broken cell phones, there were all these pieces of rubbish littering the freeway. And while I was waiting for the tow truck, I pulled a trash bag out of my car and started picking up the trash.

I was also pleasantly surprised to find that, should help have been farther away, I would have been okay. I have enough water and rations in my car to survive a few days, at least. That's very reassuring to me.

This tow truck driver is arguing with his boss about a decision the boss has made that lost the company business, and saying "I don't mean to butt into your business, but it's my business too. It's my paycheck. It's all of our paychecks."

This brings me back to another subject of contemplation, which is what my exact political beliefs are. I've always described myself as a capitalist, when in reality, that is just because I'm very pro-business. I thought that these two things were synonymous, when more recent information (as opposed to definitions I've been given since I was a kid) was given to me. I want business, and I want business to function at its best.

I know I'm pro-democracy, and I know I'm pro-business. Anarcho-syndiclism seems like it could be compatible with these things. I really want to study it more. In its way, it seems like a more democratic version of business.

In my contemplation, I'm thinking that the driving principals of Capitalism are like the "Divine Right of Kings," as opposed to democracy. That one individual is ordained and will do better than the collective group of individuals who are impacted. That one individual, or small group of individuals, knows what's best for everyone.

This isn't something I've made up my mind on. I'm definitely not a socialist at this point, but merely undecided. There are little holes I keep poking in socialism, but most of them seem pretty easy to repair if the system is given enough flexibility. Oddly, one of the larger holes I've been able to prick is that it could degenerate quite rapidly into capitalism . . . which I can't really say is much of a hole when I'm comparing it to capitalism, which doesn't need to degenerate much to become capitalism. :)

The idea of Adam Smith, that the individual protecting his own interests will motivate him to create a better product or service, and thus serve the group on the whole better, is definitely an appealing one. (I haven't studied much Adam Smith, and this is a paraphrase, but it's a concept that I would tend to believe in, even if I didn't state this quite accurately).

But then, if this is what Adam Smith is saying (maybe he is, maybe he isn't) and it's true, wouldn't it also be true that we have to bring business down to a more individualized level? That in its current state, the owner of the company doing what is best for himself still leaves out a large portion of the company? If better business is in everyone's best interest, then everyone will be more motivated. Right now, some work for better job security, or a promotion, and are thus motivated. I feel the majority, though, only work hard enough to not get fired.

Again, written from present tense, despite the fact that this happened on Sunday. Many of these observations are taken directly from notes I took on the trip.

Day 2
Bellagio's Conservatory

A good night of sleep and a few hours more of driving have helped clear my head beautifully. I basically know what I want to do from here, and simply knowing is oftentimes enough to keep me calm.

On the subject of becoming a "real boy," the comparison I can think of is this. If you've been inside for a really long time, then step outside to the Summer Sun, it can really hurt your eyes. Despite that, you know it's better.

To be entirely honest, this experiment is incredibly frightening to me. It's really very scary. I feel naked and completely unprotected. Like everyone - well, just the way it is. I'm visible and vulnerable, and it scares the hell out of me. I'm frightened enough by this feeling of vulnerability that I feel like I may want to cry.

I miss Dallyn. How's that for weird? The person who's on my mind, despite everything that's going on for me, is my unofficial Godson (or unofficial nephew, or whatever we want to call it). He's the person I want to give me a hug right now. I'd like to be playing games with him, and telling him stories, and watching his face light up. He's one of the people I really care about, and one of the people I don't feel like I'm faking anything for.

The fear of this experiment is difficult, and there are other difficulties as well. It's really hard to hold back my depression. I feel constantly sad. With a smile painted on my face, it's easier to avoid the depression. Or was that denial, and keeping it bottled up? Was that a drug to me - for serotonin release? Was I so convincing that I believed myself? What I think is that my depression was merely repressed.

I think that, specifically, because of my energy chakras. I don't think I've ever felt the phoenix in my heart as quiet so powerful and untainted. There have been times where it has been stronger, but there's a purity in it now. I think this is like letting out bad air.

Even though I'm depressed, it feels better. I know that sounds contradictory, but maybe maybe happy and better aren't synonymous. I want to study more Zen Buddhism.

My financial freedom right now makes me smile. I could spent $500 more on this trip, and I'd be fine financially.

I have decided to write these blog entries, despite the fact that I haven't pulled the pictures off of my phone yet. Hopefully, I remember to upload the pictures here once I have. If I don't, you have my permission to remind me.

I'm going to compose this message using some of the notes I took on the trip. I will compose it as if I am still on the trip, writing from the road. This trip ended Sunday.

Day 1
Mesquite

Today, I've been driving, and mostly that's it. I was able to head out from work a bit early, and just hit the road. I stopped briefly in Cedar City, but was too late to catch any plays (though I've been thinking I'd like to).

There are a lot of things on my mind - and though I'm using the concert tomorrow as a justification to the trip, a lot of the point is just to get out of town, and clear my head. It used to be I could just drive to Salt Lake, and feel like I was "out of town." Now it feels like I have to cross state lines. The world keeps shrinking, for me and for everyone, I think.

North America used to be a "New World." I don't think that was metaphor. I think it was so distant that it really seemed like an alien planet does to us now. It's the details of the word "world" that is changing. It makes me wonder where we'll be in another three hundred years. If someone will be writing in their blog, "I used to be able to hop to China and feel like I was out of town. Now I feel like I have to break through the stratosphere. . . ."

I'm staying in the Virgin River hotel. You have to love how cheap hotel rates are in Casinos. I was intending to Couch Surf, but I didn't plan that out very well, and didn't really push to contact people, so now I have to grab a hotel. It doesn't bother me. It's only $40 for the night.

Before I came to my room, I decided to play some poker. I played for a couple of hours, and lost $200. I have never lost that much at a Casino before. I think the most I've lost before this was $40. It's okay, though. It's one thing I find I'm liking about myself. I don't get worried about material things. I wouldn't have played with the money if I couldn't afford to lose it.

The driving has been really nice. I've been listening to a lot of music. It really gives me time to clear my head. It really gives me time to think things through, and decide what I want out of life. My life has been confusing recently, but this has helped. I've made some decisions, and I feel good about those decisions.

I've also determined that I like gin and tonic. See . . . this journey has been packed full of discoveries.

On the subject of being a "real boy," I've started to make some good realizations. I'm starting to figure out which things are real, and which ones aren't.

For example, I'm not confident - but I am brave. I don't think you can fake being brave. I'm not friendly or outgoing - but I do care deeply about other people. I'm wondering if I'm charming and charismatic. It's something I really do want to be, but I don't know if that was just my persona, or if it was really me.

I wonder if I'm really an extrovert, because when I'm only saying things that I want to say, I don't talk very much. I actually prefer that. I've been wanting to be more quiet. I guess that makes sense that I'd like it more if it was my more real nature.

I guess I'm figuring out, I can still be the things I want to be. In fact, far more - that's the point.

I will continue my meditation series shortly. This concept is not meant as commentary as meditation, but rather, as a symbolic gesture about my life, and where it stands right now.

The Kanji above is for "breathe." (Grandpa, if you check this, can you confirm that?)

One of the things that I have realized with working out recently is that you have to breathe absolutely as much as you need to. Form is important, and breath regulation is too, but some people think that breathing heavy is a sign of weakness.

I recall an individual who was a sort of friend with growing up (Vladik Vladimir Timochuk) who made fun of me for breathing heavy when I ran. I think the result of this was quite simply that I hated running even more. I felt weak when I had to breathe heavy, and I was in pain when I didn't. Vlad had convinced me that you just breathed through your nose, and if you had to breathe through your mouth, that was bad.

Well, I was young, and you'd think I would have let go of things like that, but it's a lot of this same core concept that has followed me in the decade and more since.

I have two stories for why my moniker is Rob Tenken. One is the one that sounds arrogant, which is the one I like to tell people. It means "one of Godlike speed, strength, ability, or intelligence." I like pretending I'm arrogant. I am arrogant. But it's meant as a counterbalance to how I really feel.

The real story why I call myself Tenken is because I relate to Seta Soujiro, the Tenken, more than to almost any fictional character I've ever read about. A plastered on smile, a false laugh, a disguise from the world. Strong and sure of himself on the outside. He's what I try to be on the outside.

And on the inside, he's torn up. On the inside, he just wants to be allowed to be weak. "But... is being weak really that bad?" He's lived his life believing he can't show weakness, can't show emotion, or he will perish. "That's right, I was smiling in the rain, but in reality . . . I was really crying"

I relate so much to this. Like, I look at that, and I say "That's me."

I've realized recently that I've been wearing a mask so long - a fake smile and a laugh -that I no longer know where the real me ends and the fake me begins. I've been realizing that more often than not, I'm not saying what I say because I mean it, but because it's what I think other people want to hear.

All this goes back a great number of years, to preschool at least. I was always picked on. I always felt repuslive and hated and like nobody could like me. I always assumed I was the embodiment of what everyone disliked. And I never got it, because I only ever wanted to be me, but the teasing didn't stop.

In 5th grade, I discovered theater, and I realized that people treated me different backstage. Maybe it was because I was good at acting. Maybe it was because they didn't feel the same social pressures to treat me how everyone else treated me. Maybe it was something else - just people wanting to be nice, give me a fresh start. I don't know for sure what it is, but I know from there on out, I figured if I could pretend to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be, that maybe I could get by.

That's exactly what I did. And I've been pretending, really, ever since. Very few people know the real me, and that's actually how I've preferred it. By the time I was a senior in highschool, I was popular. I currently command respect in my workplace. I suppose I've blamed the fake version of me for that. I suppose I've figured that's the right answer.

But a lot has been happening recently - mostly people who are influencing my life in very positive ways - that has made me feel that it may be time to start . . . well, being weak. Being vulnerable. Letting people see me.

And there's this Kurt Cobain quote, "I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." I guess the running assumption of my life, for so many reasons, has been that the real me is too risky. That people are basically repelled by the real me, and attracted to the illusion. But a lot recently has made me really question if that's the answer I want to go with.

I've realize more that if you're honest about who you are, the people who are drawn to you tend to be the people who are really good for you. If you lie about who you are, the people you draw in tend to be people who are really good for the fake you. It just makes the fake you stronger, and the real you weaker, when that happens. There's this scene I'm recalling from C.S. Lewis's "The Great Divorce," where this guy has a puppet on a chain, and the other person is this really attractive complete person, but the puppet is the real him. And the more the real one lets the puppet talk, the more the puppet devours him, until it's just the puppet.

So I'm thinking that I've learned something in my workout that's important here. When I started doing swimming and running, I tried to keep my breathing shallow or through my nose, and then I realized that was stupid. Pathetic, even. Maybe it makes you look weak, but what does that matter in comparison to being healthy? Breathe as heavily as you have to. It makes you a better athlete, and it makes your lungs stronger.

And that's what I'm trying to do right now with life. It's difficult, but I want to breathe however hard I need to. I want to gasp and struggle and be depressed and hopeless and anything else I really am, because no matter how silly or ridiculous it makes me look, you need to let out that bad air. You need to take in the good air. You need to look like a total idiot, or weak or stupid or human, if you want to be really happy. Truly happy. For you.

And there's this other Seta Soujiro quote (again, he's the guy they called the Tenken), that I think sums up what I'm feeling right now, and what I want to be doing. But it's tough. "It's a little unfair. . . . When you’re trying to repair a brick building that was made the wrong way the first time, you have to tear the whole thing down before you can begin; it can’t be done any other way because brick is just too strong."