Tenken at Heart: November 2009

The Trouble with Cars

Posted on 11/25/2009 03:54:00 PM, under

Today, my lunch break, other breaks, and any extra time I would have had at work, all got toppled into getting my car up to scratch. What that meant was putting another $30 into getting gas in the tank, $130 into a new outer steering rod for the front left tire, $90 for aligning the tires, and then replacing the battery - which was free, thank you warranty. This, and just yesterday, my lunch was spent getting the oil changed ($60).

Beyond all that, I still have a tire that should really be replaced ($70) and a light that needs to be fully repaired or simply replaced ($120), and this should all be done within the next few months, to avoid any real problems.

The trouble with cars is that they don't just cost the dollars and dimes you spend on your monthly payment, or your insurance - but it costs all these little extras. The $300 monthly payment, the $100 monthly insurance, and then big hits like this - the $500 maintenance fees that hit you all at once. The total cost of a car increases and increases, and with gas and all, it's $500, $600 per month.

Today, on my lunch break, getting my car repaired, I left her (Gemini - my car) in the hands of mechanics while I took a walk. I walked down the street that I'd driven down a thousand times and more, and for the very first time, I noticed things. The little lots and stores. A pawn shop with corners stacked with broken guitars - missing strings, and all out of tune, but drenched with history. A little barbecue restaurant that I never knew existed. A small mechanics shop, and a silver jewelry store.

These places are invisible from a car, and it's obvious why. As I walk at my casual pace, I look at the street, and all these people in their blurring cars. All these faces, more color than shape, moving past at break-neck speeds. They don't even notice me. I'm transparent from a car. Opacity at 0. They see only the road.

Me, I see the other people here, and I hear bits of their conversations, and I notice things. I get to step inside the pawn shop and a play a few broken guitars. I get to see the mountains, sky, and grass. I get to experience it all.

The trouble with cars is that they don't just cost the dollars and dimes you spend on your monthly payment, or your insurance, or even all these little extras. All this time we think we're saving, we're burning, in this way that says "I'm okay with living less fully so long as I can live more quickly." Life is on double speed, all in fast forward.

And the problem is, we think it's worth it, because it "saves" us all this time it's actually killing, but even that math doesn't work. Because we may go faster, blurring past reality, but it's worse. Because our $600 a month, that equates into a quarter of our time at work each month - forty hours, when we've calculated in taxes - that go all for this thing that "saves us" so much time. And if we used that forty hours - if we worked 120 hours a month, instead of 160, and took that extra two hours every day to walk or bike to work, the truth is simple. It's obvious.

We would be saving time. We would be living life. We would be healthier. We would be happier. Life would be more real.

And instead we're trashing the air, and risking lives (one person dies every twelve seconds in an auto crash in the US alone), and this is all terrible. But even worse. This is our world, this is our life, and . . .

we - are - missing - it.

Straight Edge?

Posted on 11/23/2009 06:35:00 PM, under straight edge

So, I want a vote. That's what I want.

I also absolutely love that this will be the first that some of you have heard about some of my "lifestyle choices," which I find to be amusing. Most of you should be able to have guessed already.

I drink alcohol - probably about an average of a drink or two per week. I smoke, too. Probably about one cigarette per month, on average. I have no active use of illegal drugs (though percocet is always a temptation . . . that stuff was great to me. Never had such great sleep, or so little anxiety).

I know that, of everything I put into my body, alcohol is, by far, the worst. I don't smoke enough to care much about giving it up.

But I've been seriously considering going straight edge for months, now. Since probably January at least. But it's giving up a quick stress relief. It's giving up muscular relaxation and social lubrication. It's giving up something that I do want.

But it's giving it up in favor of two things. One's my body.

The other is being alive. Knowing the world. Getting to a point of awareness and alertness that, though harder, leaves my breaths far more sustaining.

It's saying "I'm strong enough on my own." It's saying "I don't need you crutch."

Vegan straight edge. Quite a path, eh? But I want a vote.

Who thinks I should go straight edge? Who thinks I shouldn't? Who thinks that, maybe, I should go temporary straight edge for a while (maybe a month or two) and see how it treats me? Who has another idea?

FIGHT! ;)

What do I want? Pt 1

Posted on 11/13/2009 09:27:00 AM, under capitalism

Part 1: Why I'm Thinking About This Stuff So Seriously

I was asked by Greg Lucero (it's a little odd knowing whether to say "a friend" with Greg, so I clarify by saying his name) what it is that I want. This is in the context of attending the UVU RSU meetings. Greg, of course, said it in some foreign language with a background relating to some philosopher (I was quite tired when he asked, so I don't remember the details. The way he asked it sounded like "chez-vous," but that wasn't it).

So, why am I attending revolutionary student union meetings? Why, especially when I claim a capitalist stance?

I paused, and replied with: "Honestly? To convert myself."

This is a great part of the truth, but it seems somewhat insufficient, so I think I'll give a wee bit of a peek further, for the benefit of any RSU buddies I've got on here, and anyone else who's been curious. (I know I've slated a lot of you for conversations with me about capitalism/communism).

It started like this. Once upon a time, way back, I decided it would be interesting to learn more about communism. That simmered pleasantly in the back of my mind, on an unwritten to do list, until I got more opportunities to discuss it. The very beginning was one Mykle Law, a friend from highschool, who was not a communist - merely anti-corporate (and to a much lesser degree, anti-capitalist in general). He basically talked to me about how he felt marketing was evil.

Why yes, I am the marketing director of my company. Thanks for asking.

I debated with him, on behalf of capitalism, on these chats. And suddenly, there was this public debate that came up, and Myke invited me to debate in favor of Capitalism against one Gregory Lucero.

The debate was interesting, and fun (I love debate). It allowed me an opportunity to think through why I felt strongly about Capitalism, and do some basic research into Communism. It got my mind started on a couple of trains of thought as to the abuses within the Capitalist system. But after the debate, I simply left it on the back burner once more.

Then, some time (months) later, I got the opportunity to look further into things. As a part of this, I started having conversations with Lucero on Facebook, who is not merely a communist, but a violent revolutionary communist of the Marxist Lenninist Maoist tradition. (Hey, at least he's not a Stallinist - give him some credit). As I was frequently looking for excuses to stay up into the early hours of the morning, my discussions with Greg gave me an reason for that. Plus, intelligent conversation is a rare and valuable commodity. (See? I am a Capitalist. Even conversations with people are commodities. But we'll get more into this in a bit.)

People assume that I'm more of a capitalist than I really am, mostly because I claimed to be more of a capitalist than I really am (so, surprise surprise on that one). This is linked to the public debate I did, but also this fun definition of myself as a liberal independent capitalist vegan. Beyond that, there is a very solid reason I claimed Capitalism, and that's a loyalty to a very specific part of Capitalism. Business.

I am fiercely loyal to good business. When I gave the public debate, I talked about how Capitalism was the greatest form of democracy, with every dollar spent altering the market. That with every nickel and dime we invest in a product, we are voting for that product. That we, as a country, determine the value of products. That the market is an extension of the people. That beyond mere democracy, we were giving more reward to those who contributed more, thus motivating them to contribute more. Meritocracy and democracy, as brought about by spending, motivated good business.

Well, anywho, I kept having these late night conversations with Lucero. Beyond that, partially by coincidence, I found myself spending a significant amount of time with other communists. This is partially because I started attending RSU meetings, partially because of new people I met, and partially because, when I talked about these things, I found out that many of my existing friends were some brand of anti-Capitalist.

Though many of these individuals had an impact, one particularly had an ability to call me down on not citing sources, to know when I was exaggerating my own beliefs, and to state things in an incredibly simple way which made the abuses of Capitalism seem just obvious. This was quite eye-opening. In brief, I've been having communist/anti-capitalist conversations with not just one, but several, anti-capitalists.

In the course of this, I went to my first RSU meeting, on the subject of Mutualism and Mondragon (referenced in an earlier entry), and found it to be very educational (I was lucky enough to have been told in advance what it was about, and did some research, so I was able to ask quite a few questions that I'd been curious about earlier).

All of this finally settled into a conclusion. Capitalism is not the only way to achieve good business. Capitalism in its current form is insufficient. There are certain highly negative traits that are not merely a part of how we run Capitalism, but part of what Capitalism itself is.

Then, a second part of the conclusion. Communism may or may not be functional. Mutualism may or may not be functional. Socialism may or may not be functional. Basically anything might or might not be, but they bore looking into. If none of them were functional, or if no system currently exists to resolve the problems, then that system need to be created and perfected.

In other words, there's got to be something better.

Thus, my presence at the RSU meetings. To educate myself, and see if I can find something better - or at least think it through enough that I can make a system in my head that will work, something that I can believe in.

And I actually have come to quite a few conclusions. These will be shared in my next entry.

Strange Dreams

Posted on 11/12/2009 09:50:00 AM, under

Last night was my first non-violence dream, that I remember, in some time. I dreamt of my ex, Steph, and that she started living across the street from my parents. We invited her over for Christmas. Her boyfriend had a present for her under our tree. It was addressed from a "Stephen King" - which I didn't, of course, realize was an author, while in the course of my dream. I asked Steph if Stephen was her boyfriend, and she bounced on the toes of her feet as she said yes. When I met Stephen, I asked him if he knew that she did that. I thanked him for being that good of a thing in her life. I meant it. The sentiment remains true, even after the dream is over.

Besides this one, my dreams recently have been more violent than they typically have been in the past. Whether it's me fighting off pirates, escaping from zombies, or trapped in a war, this seems to be a common theme in my dreams right now.

Now, the exact reasons why is a more difficult thing to say, but it seems to me to be a manifestation of the emotional stress and the sickness. Also, giving my current difficulties some examination, I feel the emotional stress and sickness are merely manifestations of deeper root causes. We can say it's recent stressful experiences, but perhaps that's also another symptom. Though this is still more theory than statement, I think that all of this can be declared in this vague way:

I have been functioning at the wrong frequency.

All the poor choices, the sickness, the emotional stress, is a result of being on the wrong wavelength. Though remedying the choices, the illness, the stress, etc., can eliminate the symptoms, the cancer will remain until I address it directly. Finding the exact root, the original cause, which set me to the wrong frequency is more difficult. I can get partway back on track without knowing, I think, but knowing the right war to wage will be a necessary step for a more permanent recovery.

There is not merely one world that we interact with. The material world is a visual manifestation of our five senses, depicting an immaterial world which we experience without having a full comprehension of it. Though there are manifestations in the material world of things like love and peace, these realities are not merely the chemical substances that are released, the physical sensations we feel, or the psychological background we associate with them. Instead, these things are all symptoms of a deeper truth.

Those who are Christians may call it a spiritual world. Those who engage in the study of Quantum Physics may have a more parascientific explanation. There are countless definitions from countless cultures and paradigms. I call it "energy." Not merely material moving at a faster pace - but a world that occurs on a more root level. It is not a lower level, it not a higher level. It is an infinite parallel that occurs on a different plane. The material world is a manifestation of this reality that we cannot fully comprehend, at least not yet.

This world that we live in - a manifestation of a far deeper truth that we have lost touch with - is like a strange dream. During the course of our existence, it makes sense to us. It contains its own set of rules and laws, which, like those in a dream, hold little real significance, except in their impact on the deeper reality. Should we ever wake, we would quickly discover what little sense our constructed reality had.

We as humans are not merely consciousness, but made up of eternal building blocks - energies that have been in the Universe since it began, and will continue to be in the Universe forever. Energies that can neither be created nor destroyed. Only altered.

Of all attachments, the hardest to break is the attachment of consciousness to its own consciousness. Perpetually obsessed with finding an immortality of itself, it misses so many other opportunities. We are not merely ourselves. We are a part of something greater, and gain significance through our actions, and their impact on those around us. As we cause good in the world, as we bring about an alteration to more peace, more love, more goodness, we can be called good. The ripples of our actions extend outward into eternity, and through our actions, we have obtained immortality from the moment of our first breath.

Recovery

Posted on 11/10/2009 11:16:00 AM, under

No one is responsible for my recovery but me.

That was, perhaps, the moment in which my mind became more clear, and my anger faded down to embers. When everything suddenly stopped spinning and I realized that no one else could fix this for me, and no one else could take responsibility for my future.

I already held myself accountable for my past, but my belief in redemption is very narrow and very exclusive. The only way to find redemption is through future actions, and becoming better. Any other tools for redemption - whether sacraments or pills or prison time - are useful only inasmuch as they lend themselves to this.

So, then, as responsibility for myself dawned on me, and as I realized that it was the only way I could make things better, I allowed myself to sleep, sleep, and sleep . . . as a first of many steps that would be taken.

The next morning I spent an hour and a half meditating. Two forms of meditation - one that cleans the energies in my body, and the other to detach myself from all worries, cares, fears, doubts, definitions, or material things.

Then school, then making my own lunch - fresh veggies, tofu, and stir fry sauce - and heading to work. Working hard until the end of the shift, then going to visit with a friend, and instead of focusing myself inward, recovering my focusing myself outward. By service to another, love to another, finding a piece of redemption, and making things authentically better for myself and them.

Intermixed through all of this when I have the time is reading spiritual books, and walking with no particular destination.

Then this morning, I wake up and take a long bath, then meditate for 45 minutes, then yoga for 45 minutes, then playing bass for 20 minutes. Then I make myself breakfast, and prepare lunch, and head off to work, to work hard again, accomplish more, be more useful to others.

The path to recovery has started, and though my mind and body and spirit still ache, I am able to smile, and laugh, and able to see a way to become better through all of this. Despite all the pain and all the melodrama, that I can use it all as fuel for growth, and the fire to push me towards greater progress.

I'm going slightly mad.

Posted on 11/08/2009 01:10:00 PM, under

I can't . . . calm . . . down.

I've been trying to stay calm today, but I feel high strung, on edge. I keep trying to focus on a project - any project - but I can't. I can't focus on a meal long enough to cook it. It took my four hours to watch an hour long TV show. I kept having to pause it, because my brain just kept frying.

I keep switching from thing to thing to thing, stuff to do, trying to relax, trying to get enough done that I can relax, but I can't - and I can't read because I can't focus - and I can't focus because all my wires feel crossed right now.

Last night, trying to sleep was incredibly difficult. My mind kept feeling like it was bouncing around inside my skull. My thoughts wouldn't settle on anything. I couldn't count the sheep because the sheep were pissing me off by jumping over that damn fence.

Every slight irritation or offense is being magnified, and my magnified responses lead only to more irritations and offenses against me, and of course, done by me, in a way that I feel I do not have complete control over, and it's incredibly hard, because I'm struggling to hold tight on the reins, except the reins keep slipping, and my skin keeps burning.

I wonder if I have a fever, or if this is a reaction to my antibiotic.

Even though I've done more items on my to do list in the last 24 hours then I had in the previous two weeks, I keep feeling like not enough is getting done. I'm overwhelmed by how much I feel like I have to think about right now. I want there to be nothing to think about, except when I'm not thinking about anything, that drives me crazy.

This antibiotic doesn't seem to be working yet, and I need it to work, because I'm tired of being achy and nauseous, and I'm really tired of continually feeling like I'm going to faint. And I'm wondering if this antibiotic is the cause of all this craziness, because this all seemed to start after I took my first one, yesterday. But my high temper was there yesterday, before I took the med. Did this magnify it, or is this all just me, or other things I'm not seeing, not understanding?

I've been sick for weeks, and it's been draining. I haven't been sleeping the way I want to. I've felt tense and on edge from all my projects and all sorts of personal drama that has been weighing on me. I've been overloaded at work - double loaded, in fact - and anxious over every little thing. I'm behind in my Shakespeare class, and have two six-page papers to write, an Act of Titus to read, two Acts of Tempest to read, and an additional project of my choosing to get started on.

I've been unable to meditate thoroughly. My mind will not stop racing, spinning. My body aches all over, and it's hard to exercise. When I'm underwater, for swimming, it feels like there are vice-grips around my skull, tightening, slowly tightening.

I have taken four breaks from writing this entry while writing it, because even this is not a way for me to focus, for me to calm down.

I can't hold still. I can't fidget. I keep wanting to run away someplace, but every time I get somewhere, I want to run off again.

My apologies to everyone who crosses me path right now. I'm not my normal calm self. Please . . . don't hate me. XD

A Promotional Video (Master Sword)

Posted on 11/07/2009 03:22:00 PM, under master sword

So, I'm linking to a video I made, because I want to.

Go web optimization!

Master Sword replicas available here.

My video on the Master Sword.

My Favorite Harvard Grad

Posted on 11/04/2009 10:24:00 AM, under bruce young

There are only a handful of people who I can say I truly relate to on an intellectual level. I'd say that I could easily count them off on two hands, and depending on exactly how I qualified it, quite possibly on one hand.

Of these, my father is probably my favorite. If ever I'm looking for good conversation, emotional support, or a magic elixir to cure my cold, my father is the person I turn to.

Now, my father is not flawless. Some of his sins, perhaps, should be spoken so they can be more thoroughly absolved. Quite possibly the primary regarding me is that he taught me the "To Be or Not to Be" soliloquy from Hamlet when I was three years old. For those of you who don't know what that speech is, it's Hamlet contemplating suicide.

Other crimes include the fact that, for years, he didn't allow us to have any cereal that had more than 6 grams of sugar per serving. When I borrowed money to buy a video game, my dad wrote up a four page contract to detail how I would pay him back. This is nothing compared to the dating contract he wrote for my big sister. . . .

My little brother and I had a conversation about how annoying my father's persistence was in waking us up for school. My little sister commented on how he always lied about what time it was to try to get us out of bed, or out of the shower.

But I blame the "To Be or Not to Be" snafoo for the fact that my memory works the way it does, as well as it does. I blame it for some of my acting ability, and my ability to understand language. Though the contracts were excessive, my dad and I have worked well together in working out payments for money borrowed, which helped as a foundation for my responsibility. My dad has also always helped me out when I'm behind on payments, when I've been down and out because of illness or surgery, and so much more.

So many of the things I've struggled with, my father has related to, and has given me beautiful insights into. The anxiety and depression, some obsessive forms of thought, and so much more, my father has helped me through.

And this doesn't even start to indicate the things he did so well. I even now eat grape nuts and yogurt (soy yogurt now) for breakfast - a meal that was lovingly called "daddy cereal" through all of my youth.

His devotion to his faith, his passion and knowledge in his areas of specialization (Shakespeare and the Beatles being the main ones that come to mind), and his devotion to his marriage with my mother are all things that are beautiful, and I fear in these days, rare. He set an example of devotion, intelligence, and goodness.

More than any of this is that my dad is always striving to be a better person. I have seen him struggle through so much, fight to be someone better, every day of his life. He has taken on so many tasks that are such a far cry from comfortable, over and over, until he has truly mastered new abilities. He has always tried to be better as a father, better as a husband, better as a friend, and so much more. When he's made mistakes, he has apologized - something that I think is very rare for authority figures to do.

This trait, of always striving to be something more, has made a huge impact on my life, and who I am. I'd like to think I do an okay job of having that same trait myself, and for me, it's the most redeeming thing about the person I am. For my father, it is just one of the many amazing traits.

I love you, Dad! Happy 59th birthday. Here's hoping for 59 more wonderful years. :)

The Math of Matrimony

Posted on 11/01/2009 04:39:00 PM, under

I felt like throwing out totally random numbers having to do with when I hope to be doing things as far as establishing a family.

I want to date the girl I end up marrying for at least a year before I get engaged.
I want to be engaged to the girl I end up marrying for at least a year before we get married.
I want to be married for at least two years before she gets pregnant with our first child.
And it takes round about a year for the entire "from pregnancy to when you've got stuff all set up for the kid" business to be cleared.

In other words, by the time I'm about 25, I'd like to have met the girl that I end up marrying. So I've got another couple of years! That's good news, as far as I'm concerned. I've got two years until I can freak out. ;)

In the meantime, I want to say that I think my math is right, and the math of a lot of people in this area is wrong. Or rather, leads to many bad things.

Dating a girl for three weeks before getting engaged is not enough.
Being engaged for three months before getting married is not sufficient.
Being married for six months before the woman getting pregnant is not smart.
Having your first kid by the time you're 24 is not a good idea.
Freaking out because you haven't found your "eternal companion" at age 22 is, quite specifically, ridiculous.

Tenken at Heart