Hello from SLC

Posted on 2/24/2010 02:46:00 PM, under



I am writing this entry from the office of my apartment in the avenues, where I have successfully moved all my stuff in from the car, including the desk from my family's house (which I took in by myself, up two flights of stairs - I am a WARRIOR!  Hoo-rah!).

I noticed that this place does have some unsecure wireless networks that I can tap into - just as I expected - and so I'm using those to communicate with people and do work at this point.

There's a tree right outside this window.  Right now it looks rather macabre - but when it's in bloom, I imagine it will be quite lovely.

Here's that tally:

% of my stuff that got broken during the trip:  ~4
Exact stuff that broke:

  • space heater
  • soy sauce bottle
  • the desk
  • an unknown number of untested electronic devices
I am set with food and all I need for work and more here, I'm glad to say, and the only thing that's lacking in this apartment is heat.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I need more than heat.

For example, I didn't think to bring a chair for this desk.  I'm on my knees right now.

What else?

Well, I suppose the stuff I need would total to:
  • A television
  • A microwave
  • A bed
  • A shower curtain
  • A tall kitchen garbage can
  • Two kitties (already picked out)
  • An entertainment center of some kind
  • A sofa
  • A love seat
  • Anything else I figure I need
I'll be getting all this stuff off of freecycle or the free list on Craigslist.org, so that'll be a blast.

I'll be having a home warming party within the next couple of weeks, too - once the heat is on and I have furniture for people to sit on.  But tonight, I curl up in a corner and hope I don't catch pneumonia during the night. . . .  Romantic, n'est pas?

Cheers,

Rob Young
of SLC

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One of my stranger blog entries.

Posted on 2/22/2010 10:16:00 PM, under

I often talk to myself in the car.  When I'm on drives, I'll engage myself in full dramatic dialogues - sometimes playing out all kinds of make believe scenarios, interviews with myself, re-livings of past situations, and so on.  I also write slam poetry, sing loudly to music, and other times just stare at those mesmerizing lines in the road.

But in one of my discussions with myself, I realized something.  There's no one I'm angry at.  There's no one I hate.  There's no one I hold any grudges against.

No one.

No.  One.

It took me a bit, going through people I'd once been angry at, to be entirely sure.  Ranging from people I've dated (or had complicated romantic drama with) to former landladies to former employers and more, there's just no one that I'm mad at.

That feels GOOD!

But it somehow leads to another desire.  A strong desire - to apologize.

Just to apologize.

I wish I could go back to all the people I've wronged - the people who have cut me out of their lives (often for good reasons) and just say sorry.  Let them know I'm really, honestly sorry for the pain I caused them - for the sorrow I brought into their life - for how I made things difficult - and for how I failed them.

I seriously doubt any of them read my blog.  Some people who I'd like to apologize to might, every so often.  Most of the ones who I feel most strongly this desire to apologize to, they would rather pretend that I don't exist.  And I get that.  I understand.  I really do.

The fact that I'll never be able to tell them I'm sorry makes me really sad.  The fact that I'll never be able to do that, never, is heartbreaking in its way.

And it wouldn't be anything complex or long-winded.  It wouldn't be anything dramatic or with performance or attachments and frills.  Most importantly, it wouldn't be anything with explanations or excuses.

It would just be, "I'm sorry."

In some cases "I'm so, so sorry."

And I've heard this idea of never apologizing, because it's a sign of weakness.  Forget that.  I'm strong enough to know that I make mistakes, and I'm good enough that I'm okay with that.  When I'm wrong, I want to apologize.  I've been wrong a lot.

To all of you that I've wronged who happen to read this blog:  I'm sorry.

To all of you who will never read these words, maybe something that I don't understand about the Universe can carry these sentiments to you.

I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry I hurt you.  I'm sorry I made your life more difficult.  I'm sorry I brought you pain.
I hope you're doing okay.  For all my mistakes, I really do care about you.  I still think about you sometimes, and I'd like to think you're smiling right now.  I hope you're happy.  I really, sincerely hope you're happy.


So . . . I guess that will have to do to fill the craving.  See?  Even apologies are selfish.  :P

Anyway . . . so concludes one of my stranger entries.

Cheers,

Rob

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Weight, Salt Lake, & Babies in Theaters

Posted on 2/22/2010 09:35:00 PM, under

Weigh-in today puts me at 194, meaning I'll pretend I just hit my goal (194.5) and my goal for next week is 3lbs.  I'll do my weigh-ins on Mondays from here, I think, since that's what I did today and last week.

I've spent three days looking at apartments in SLC.  I'm debating between one that's cheaper and closer to campus and not so nice, and one that I really like and is nice and is two-bedroom and is a bit more expensive.  I think I'll go for the more expensive one, but not a sure thing.

Oh, by the way - I'm a freelance writer now.  It's what I do.  Also, it's what I plan to do in some form or another for years to come.

While I waited to hear back on one of the apartments I watched a movie.  There was a baby screaming for a lot of it, but I'm pretty good at ignoring that.  After the movie, the couple next to me turned around and the guy started chewing out the mother who had this kid.  She did this whole defense of "You can just go to another theater or go to a later movie" thing, which I thought was ridiculous - but when the guy turned to me and asked if I was bothered, I said I didn't want to get pulled into the fight.

See, as far as I saw it, I could understand.  Not every mother can afford a babysitter.  Often times, that's not because she's doing anything wrong.  It's just the way things are, often because of circumstances outside of that family's control.  I didn't jump in because I didn't want her to feel ganged up on.  From what I could tell, she was in rebellion and denial of her class position - a sign to me that she probably was used to better.  Maybe her husband had lost his better job, or she'd come from a different class of family, or just had one kid too many.

Still, when the guy who'd been yelling back and forth with her left, I wanted to let her know that it wasn't a non-issue.  That she may want to consider it.  What I said was, very specifically "I do understand that not everyone can afford a babysitter.  Still, your child really did make quite a lot of noise."  That was exactly what I said.

She started yelling at me.  She said that I could go to evening shows, that she had every right to watch movies, that just because she was a mother didn't mean she suddenly couldn't come to theaters, and so on.  I told her that "I'm not even criticizing you.  I'm not trying to argue with you.  I'm just saying that your kid was really making a lot of noise.  I can ignore that pretty easily.  Not everyone can."

She kept going, telling me to just "look at the previews" (I think she meant credits) and stop talking.  I got pretty riled up and said "I wasn't even criticizing you.  There's no need to be such a whiny bitch about it."  And then I turned back and watched the rest of the credits.  And it bothered me for a couple hours.

Even though I feel my term for her was fairly accurate in comparison to the normal connotations of the words, I felt bad for using it.  I felt bad for losing my temper.  I hate being angry.  I really don't like fighting with people.  And really, honestly, I was trying to mediate - let her know that I did understand her position, but the individual who was upset with her did have some valid things he had said.

I felt bad almost the entire drive home.

I don't like being angry.  And me - I don't mind crying babies in theaters anymore.  I'm good at tuning stuff like that out.

I really like that I've come that far with anger, though.  That I did turn away and that I really don't like it.  I feel like I used to be addicted to anger.  Maybe on a literal chemical level?  I don't know.  It's interesting to think about that stuff.

Anyway, I'm probably moving over the next 2 to 3 days.  Wish me luck!

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February 2011

Posted on 2/17/2010 09:59:00 PM, under


Here is the vision of myself that I would like to paint.

This is me, in a year.

I've long since achieved my goal weight, and am trim and fit.  I spend most of my free days out hiking or swimming when the weather is nice.  Many days I live on fruit and vanilla chai Bolthouses, which my fridge is full of.

My fridge is located in an artsy little one-bedroom apartment in Salt Lake City, where I live with two friends, neither of whom are human.  These feline companions are the only residents besides myself, but I have friends over frequently to play poker and watch movies.

My TV is big but not plasma screen, and was bought off Craig's List for cheap as cheap, which is more expensive than most of my furniture - which I got from Craig's list when people were trying to give it away free, or from the freecycle network.

When I'm not hunting down new free items, I'm working from my little office at home, where I do freelance writing.  Mostly I write articles, but occasionally I write other things, including my own projects - which make some money, though not a ton.

Thanks to this work, my debt has been paid off, with the exception of my car, which is "next."  I also don't take out any more student loans, though I still have my old ones to pay.  I won't have to for a while, though, as I'm still in school - finishing my last Semester required to get my Associate's.  But then, I'll continue for another 2 years anyway.

I don't have a girlfriend, but I date every once in a while, and make new friends that way - which is pleasant enough.  Those few girls who see the apartment like my posters and eclectic furniture and how many plants I have, not to mention the fact that I manage to get a hell of a lot of sunlight for a place as affordable as mine.

My time outside of school, work, and hiking is spent working on my own fiction, which I enjoy as much as I ever have.  The flexibility of my schedule means that I have plenty of new events to inspire good fiction, like running away to a different state when I feel the need to explore.  After all, my work can be done from the road.

I'm looking at 4 years until I get my Master's Degree, but only 2 years until all my debt is totally paid off, even student loans.  Then I'll have a Bachelor's degree as well, which will be nice, but unimportant as I make a living just fine as a writer.  Still, the additional credentials look snazzy.

The extra money that I no longer pay towards debt will be going to a big savings account that will keep my afloat in times of emergency, and keep me on the road at other times.  I know I'll have enough extra each month that I could get a Condo if I wanted, but there's the big question of when and where.  But that's for further along the road.

The road at this time will be as good as I could want.  I'm living my dream of being a writer, even if not a great author just yet.  I'm pursuing my degree.  I'm living without debt.  I'm social, healthy, well-balanced, and centered.

That's February 17th 2011.  Let's see how close I get!

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Weigh-In

Posted on 2/15/2010 12:45:00 PM, under

I like putting my weigh-ins here, because they feel more "locked in" when I do, and I feel more accountable for my goals.

My goal was 196.

As of my weigh-in, I'm at 195.5.

Goal achieved.  I'll set my next goal 1.5lbs from my original goal.  My goal for Sunday is 194.5.  If I descent below my goal again (by at least .5lbs) I'll skip .5lbs for my goal for a week from Sunday.

At this rate (2lbs per week) I'll be my goal weight (153) in 22 weeks (July of '10).

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Purchasing Power as Democracy

Posted on 2/15/2010 12:24:00 PM, under


When I watched Food Inc, it was really revealing to me on a number of levels.  It was educational in and of itself, yes - but it was also a strong indicator of how much my beliefs have changed.  One of the major things that made this very clear was when, at the conclusion of the film, they made an argument that myself had made (in a public debate last May Day).

They said that in Capitalism, it's the people who have the power.  That every purchase is a vote for that product.  They said it in a way that was so close to how I myself had said it.  And I didn't react with a "yep" or a "hear hear."  I reacted by thinking that this was a bit of a misguided attempt to justify the way that Capitalism works.

I think it has some truth - and this should be noted.  It is not a statement that is entirely false.  It is a statement, however, which requires some amendment.

Let us take this analogy and move a bit further with it to illustrate a few points.

We have Product A & Product B of the same type.  They're competing and it is the consumers who purchase the products which create the power of these products and their ability to exist.  So, let's go ahead and pretend that these are two politicians vying for local office.

Politician A is a politician who does not use dishonest means, does not take advantage of foreign countries, does not do this or that or the other thing that we don't want.

Politician B is dishonest, takes advantage of foreign groups, abuses animals, and does all sorts of other stuff that we don't want.

But here comes the fun part!

If you vote for Politician A, you can help bring Politician A into power.

If you vote for Politician B, you not only help to bring Politician B into power, but you will be rewarded!  If you vote for Politician B, you will be given $8760.00.  Flat out, we'll just give it to you.  No strings attached, it's yours.

As far as your life and your existence is concerned, either politician will have an almost identical impact.  Remember that.  As far as your life goes, it's not going to be hardly different.

Oh, also, you don't necessarily know about the dishonest practices, the animal abuse, or what's being done to foreign nations.  In fact, you have to make this vote point blank and basically without warning.  You have to have gone out of your way to do your research, or have heard about it from a friend, or something else to even know about it.


And I forgot to mention - not everyone gets the same number of votes.  If you're from a rich family, your vote counts for more.  If you got a big inheritance or you've got a nicer job, your vote counts for more.  So . . . poor people, sorry - your vote won't actually change the results of the election much.


Oh, right - and Politician B will probably still be around and have influence politically - he'll be in office - even if he doesn't get the majority of the votes.  He doesn't need the majority of the votes.  Having more votes just gives him more influence once he's in office.  So whatever you do, he's probably going to still be there - just with very small difference in power depending on your vote.

So, let's predict the results of this election.


You get rewarded for voting for Politician B.  Many people don't even know about the bad stuff that Politician B is doing.  You have to make this decision without warning.  Those with more wealth have more voting power.  Your not voting will most likely not prevent Politician B from getting into office.


Will some people vote for Politician A?  Absolutely!  I would - assuming I knew about the bad stuff Politician B was doing, and you know, I'd try and do my research.  I really would.


Would enough people do it that Politician B would be powerless?  Nope.  Of course not.  Many of these people don't have the chance to do the research, they need the money more than I do (they have mouths to feed and bills to pay and various other things which create pressure), etcetera, etcetera.  So of course Politician B is going to get a lot of power!


And we as a country have said that it's okay for them to be dishonest and abusive in these ways, it's okay for them to bribe people into voting for them.  It's okay that people don't get equal vote.  That's all just fine with us.


How's that for an election?  Are we all satisfied?  I'm not.


In the ideal election of this kind, what should we do to make it more fair?  Now, that's tricky.  As a brand of market  socialist, I actually feel that some portion of this imbalanced election is acceptable for what we gain from it - because the "non-market" option means we don't have a vote.  We vote for people who we trust to make the decisions for us.  I don't like that solution.  It's so complex, all of these products and options, that I don't think just voting for a some people to rule over it - even if it's a complex group - is sufficient.  I think the market systems provide an organic option which is beneficial on multiple levels.  But a market system alone is definitely not sufficient either.


My proposition is we don't allow corrupt politicians.  That we, as a people, say that exploiting foreign nations and abusing animals and all that stuff, is just not cool with us.


Further, in my perfect world, the existence of the "rich and the poor" would be based on truly meritocratic ideals.  It would be those who worked harder and contributed more to society who had more wealth - not simply those who belonged to the right family or who had more money to start with.  In this sense, those who had more vote would have earned it by contributing more.


The remaining issue is the lack of education, and here we have a solution that must be taken up both in my ideal world, and as a solution right now - in today's world, without my laundry list of needed changed.


That change is that we must accept our responsibility.  We are indeed voting, and often voting for corrupt politicians in today's world, and we have to understand that.


We have research we need to do.  That's our burden.  If you're buying from Burger King, you are not just getting a cheap burger - you are placing your vote for factory farming, factory-styled employee treatment, and every flaw and mistake and problem, as well as any and every good thing, that Burger King does.


If we want companies like Walmart to not exist because they use sweat shop labor and they squeeze out small business and they treat their employees terribly, etc., etc., etc. - then we have a solution that's available to us.  We have to stop shopping at Walmart.  The problem is, everyone assumes that "I'm just one person, I can't change anything."  If everyone who thought that just accepted their responsibility, then we could at least make a dent!


In the ideal world I see, there couldn't be companies doing what Walmart does because we as a people have declared our values and decided to live in a way that consciously accepts the reality we're creating.  Until then, the weight of responsibility still remains entirely ours!  Don't like factory farming?  Don't buy products from factory farms.  Don't know much about factory farming?  LEARN!


We are creating a world every time we spend anything.  Ask yourself what sort of world you want to create!

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Hmmm . . . Job Paths

Posted on 2/10/2010 07:56:00 PM, under

I have to admit that, without funds, working for myself is very intimidating.  It's hard to get the work done - partially because stuff comes up, partially because I'm lacking in resources, and partially because it's hard to keep motivated when you're spending a lot of money and a lot of time and not getting any back in.

I want to keep working on my business.  That's absolutely.  And I'd like a job where I could work graves or something else similar where I could have my laptop with me, and code away, do the work, without having to worry about whether or not I'd have to put next month's rent on my credit card.

So I had an idea, and I guess I want feedback.

The sort of job I decided I want when I move up to SLC is a "meaning-oriented" job, where I get a sense of purpose in the things that I do.  I applied at Chrysalis, the job that did this best for me, and they haven't contacted me back.  I can contact similar places, but I was also thinking I might increase my odds and my options a bit.

I'd do that by spending a fair portion of the next month or so doing various trainings.  They would include:

  • CPR Training
  • First Aid Training
  • Food Handler's Training
  • Certified Nurse's Assistant Training
These things may help in other jobs as well, but mostly would be for the purpose of more easily obtaining a job where I either take care of the elderly or those who are otherwise unable to take care of themselves (mentally or physically handicapped individuals).

So, I can either A) Continue to work fully on my business or B)  Try to get more qualified so I can secure a job that would allow me to have a sense of meaning and (potentially) work on my business while on grave shifts.

If I take option A, I can either do the qualifications later, or not.

If I take option B, I can try to get a job from now until May to feel better about my finances (and specifically debt) or not.

I'm not sure what I want to do.  Thoughts?

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My Ideal Woman

Posted on 2/10/2010 07:44:00 PM, under

So, in the movie The Secret, they talk about how you can "attract whatever you want to you," and they mention the idea of attracting your "ideal mate."

I don't buy into that stuff in the way they say it, but I think knowing what you want, declaring it, and being aware of it really does increase the likelihood of occurrence.  Why I'm doing this on my blog, I'm still a little clueless to.  I suppose all the resolutions that I've made on this blog have stuck a bit better, so why not do the same for a description of something that I want to declare I'm "looking for?"

So, this girl . . .

She's positive and energetic.  Usually smiling.  Thrilled with the opportunity to live.

Simultaneously, Zen enough that she's totally fine with not being happy if being happy isn't what suits the situation, or isn't authentic to herself, her desires, or anything else.  The sort who is willing to embrace their sorrow when it comes.

She's well-read.  An academic.  Her passions are not all the same as mine.  She knows a hell of a lot about things that I know nothing about, and she's excited about those things.  She has a lot to teach me.  We also share some areas of passion and expertise.  We agree on a lot.  We also disagree on a lot.

She enjoys arguing with me.  We're good intellectual sparring partners.  Neither one of us takes it personally.  We can argue for hours on end just to learn more about the other point of view.  We're both willing to give ground and we're able to adapt and adjust our views based on what we learn from each other.

We agree on fundamental core values.  She's agnostic or atheist, but remains spiritual - possibly taking part in some form of non-theist spiritual practice like Buddhism or Taoism.

She does yoga and she meditates.

She is an incredibly independent person.  If I'm out of touch for a few days, she doesn't freak out.  She's secure enough that she doesn't need to hear from me constantly.  She likes having her space and her independence.  She has her own projects to pursue as well.

She is an incredibly good person.  She volunteers at soup kitchens and she loves animals (including cats).  She goes out of her way for others.  At the same time, she knows that she wants to take care of herself first.  She doesn't help others out of a sense of obligation to do so, but an authentic desire.

She loves being outdoors.  She's addicted to sunlight.

She's vegetarian or vegan, but not an ass about it.  She doesn't try to force it down other people's throats.  She cares about her own health and eats well.  She's not freakish about it.  She still eats sweets and she doesn't freak out about calories, carbs, or saturated fats.  She goes with the rhythm of her body.

She teases me.  She likes it when I tease her.

She challenges me emotionally, intellectually, and physically.  She gets me outdoors when I'm feeling lethargic.  She listens when I'm going through difficult things.  She has good arguments when we debate and she does her research.  She makes sure that I do my research, too.

She likes to cuddle.  She's a good movie critic.  She enjoys watching movies and TV shows, but can't stand staring at a screen for too long.  She enjoys video games, but never gets too far with them because she doesn't have the time or the attention span to sit still for that long.

She trusts me.  She knows I would protect her.  She knows I wouldn't betray her.  She knows I am there for her.  She is there for me, too.

She values my trust very highly.  She doesn't want to lose it.  When I trust her with personal information, sensitive emotions, or other difficult things, she holds that in a position of respect and does what she can to protect those things I give.

We have awesome chemistry.  There are sparks when I look in her eyes.  Her eyes are green or blue and they sizzle.

She's fun and flirtatious.  She's an ambivert.  She doesn't always need to be around other people and enjoys both time to herself and time with just the two of us.  She also enjoys being in a crowd and talking to people, meeting new people, and experiencing new situations.  She does well at parties.  She has a friendly manner with most people she talks to.  She's a terrible flirt - but not over the top.  I never feel like I have to question that she's at parties with me, or that I'm the one she's interested in.  She's also secure enough herself, and knows I'm secure enough, that she's fine with being friendly with other people.

She's sexually explorative, willing to try new things, and loves the sensations of her body.  She is not afraid of sexual expression and maintains open communication.  She is easy to talk to about my desires.  She is enthusiastic

She digs philosophy.  She likes my writing, but she doesn't worship it.  She finds things to improve.  She makes criticisms.  When I write a bad story, bad poem, or bad paragraph, she tells me.  She knows my skin is thick.  Her criticisms are usually good, but she's also not offended when I don't take them.

She is an artist and musician.  She knows how to play at least one musical instrument, and plays it beautifully.  Bonus points if it's the violin that she plays.  Her art can be in the form of poetry, fiction, painting, interior design, graphic design, sketching, or anything else - but whatever it is, she finds the creative expression to be important.

She's low drama.  She is emotionally secure and doesn't feel the need to argue to prove anything.  She knows when she needs to give herself space.  She avoids high-drama situations and people.

She has her own friends.  She spends time with them.  She cares about them.  She has other people to go to for emotional support if I'm exhausted or unavailable.  She has other people to spend time with.  Her friends are not all the same as my friends, but I still get along with her friends.

She likes dancing.  She's got a killer singing voice.

She adores music.  She may be a mega-pirate.

I get along with her family.  Her family matters to her and is a major part of her life, but she lives her own life.  She doesn't rely on family.

She is a soft-core feminist.  She's not in your face about it, but she cares about standing up for equal rights.  She feels the same about racial rights and gay rights.  She's more than willing to be heard on the subject - she needs to be heard.  She will stand up against those who say otherwise.

She lives for herself.  She loves that I am a part of her life, but she would survive if I were gone.  She's rather I wasn't gone.  But she doesn't live for me or my happiness.  She lives for her own.

She and I communicate well.  When we disagree, we can talk it out.  When there is a personal argument we are both careful to communicate to the other what our emotional state is, and clarify for the other what else is impacting our emotional state, so that the other person doesn't feel under attack.  When we fail at this, we are both quick to apologize.

She is a tad shorter than me.  She's slender.  Her muscles are very well toned.  She's about a C cup.

She likes to bite and dig her nails in.  The way she whispers makes me squirm.

She's ambitious enough that she's not stagnant in the slightest.  She knows what she wants and how to pursue it.  She's cunning.  She can be ruthless if something is important enough to her.  She's also not obsessed.  She'd quit a job if it were damaging her happiness.  She's willing to completely re-write her plans at a moment's notice.  The plans she has, she pursues with vigor.

Her life's ambitions are not centered around money.  They're centered around meaning.

She's not materialistic.  She doesn't own a lot.  She dresses well, but she doesn't have a huge wardrobe.  She can pack all of her stuff into the back of her car.

She has her own income and either no debt or a strong ambition to get rid of what debt she has.  She doesn't spend a ton.  She buys from thrift stores and eBay.  She spends a bit extra to buy organic and from farmer's markets.

She likes when I perform - whether it be song, theater, or something else.  She finds me to be impressive.  I find her to be impressive, too.

She likes learning from me.  She's willing to help me with my projects.  She only commits to what she can follow through on - and sometimes that's not much.  She's not afraid to enlist my help in her projects, either, and she understands when I can't commit to much myself.

We don't always spend time together, but when we do, parting sucks.  We don't like when we stop hanging out together.  On a night when neither of us have other plans or things that need to get done, we can end up talking for four, six, ten - fifteen hours straight.  If no one stops us, we could go on forever.  Both of us prioritize our normal lives, however, and so these nights don't happen too often.  We can use each other as a vacation from the world, but we don't vacation more than is healthy.

She compliments me, but never flatters.  She persuades effectively, but doesn't pout or assume it means anything terrible if I still say no.  She is good at the things she does.

She wants to travel the world.  She wants to see new sights and experience other cultures.  She knows that life is short.  She wants to take advantage of living in the world we're in.  She wants a partner in crime - an adventuring companion - to come with her.

She also wants to change the world, for the better.  She is aware of the finitude of her own existence, but values the world after her existence as well.  She wants the mark she leaves to change it for the better.  She wants the ripples of her existence to lead to smiles, peace, and more dark chocolate for the world - or maybe something else, but whatever it is, she wants it to be good.

She's a creative genius and incredibly smart.  I can admire her.

She has flaws which she accepts.  Some of them she's working on.  Some she's kind of okay with.  She swears and sometimes loses her temper - she's been known to lose a bit much on the poker table, or maybe have a few too many drinks, or some other form of excess - but she's okay with excess as long as it's not in excess.  She's desperately human and perfectly imperfect - eager for existence and intent on joy.

And, of course - she loves me.

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A Special Thank You

Posted on 2/09/2010 07:01:00 PM, under

With Valentine's day approaching my mind wanders onto thoughts of love.  Being single, these thoughts are not necessarily all positive.  :P  However, some activities recently have centered around this idea of love - including trying to spend time with all my secret crushes, writing a love story (who's ending is not entirely terrible), and tonight, reading through all the old love letters I have saved.


There have been some absolutely amazing women in my life.  I knew that already, of course, but looking through these old letters has made me smile a big, big smile that I can't seem to get rid of.  You've made me laugh, too.  Even years after the relationships are over, you're making me feel special and loved and cared for.  You're making me feel worthwhile.


You're amazing.  All of you.  I'm so incredibly grateful for your presence in my life, even to those several that are entirely restricted to the past tense.  What you have brought is not simply "nice times" or "fun memories," but the very core of meaning and beauty.  There are reasons I fell for each one of you.  These letters makes that immensely clear.  Whether it was your artistic talent, your sweetness, your creativity, your humor, your beauty, your brilliance, your compassion, your beauty (heheheh) . . . you're great.


You have taught me the best lessons that life can teach.  You have taught me how to love.  More than once, you have helped teach me who I am.  I have learned what matters to me in this world, you have expanded my horizons, helped me explore new skills and opportunities, taken me on adventures, and more simply put, left an undeniable and wonderful mark on my world.

For years, thanks to these special women in my life, my heart has been set to glowing a beautiful hot white.  Tonight, thanks to these letters and mementos, it's glowing again.

To all of you - all the women who have been so special to me, all the girls who I've fallen for (from the ones who don't even know it to the ones who've broken my heart), and every girl who's taught me so many lessons about life and love, I simply have to say . . .

I love you.  I'll always love you.  I'm so grateful for what you brought into my life.  You - are - amazing.


Love,
Rob

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It's been a bit since I've given an update, so I figure for any of you out there who are looking to get an update on what's going on in my life, I'd go ahead and let you know what's up.  After all, I am aware that I have web stalkers on a regular basis (I can track you guys.  :P).

So, item #1 - business.  I'm working on my business website right now and getting everything moving towards (hopeful) profitability.  I'm actually quite proud of the design.  Thank you Jon for convincing me that I needed to expand my color pallet.  It's at http://www.TenkenMarketing.com.  I wrapped up the writing of the ebook that I'll be using for promotional purposes.  I'm also working on lead generation for other sites through Facebook pages, which is fun.

Item #2 - weight.  At long last, I have broken down under the 200 pound mark.  My official Sunday weigh-in puts me at 197.5.  I'll go with the phrase "Yippee!" for my response, here.  I haven't been this weight in about four years.  What I'm really looking forward to, though, is when I get down to under 185.  Then I get to say "I haven't been this light since I was a sophomore."  Then the next line I have is once I'm under 160, and then I get to say "I haven't been this light since I was 13 years old - and I was under five feet then."  My goal for next week is 196, even.  The weekly goal is going to be 1.5 pounds per week until I hit goal (153).  That puts me at 30 weeks out, or seven and a half months.

Item #3 - revolutionary ideology.   So, this one's fun.  As many of my friends and family know, I've been considering various alternative (non-capitalist) political ideologies, with some degree of seriousness for about the last six months, now.  After much contemplation and research, I've decided to go official, here.  As of watching Food Inc, and having a rather volatile anti-Capitalist reaction, thinking how shit like that just wouldn't happen in a different kind of society - shouldn't happen in any kind of society - and various other similar things, I figured it was time.  So I did some final clearing up and discussion (thanks, Greg, for the assistance there), and my official title is:  Socialized Syndicalist.  Or, if we want to go for the long version, that's market socialism with a syndicalism model rather than a classic one.  I'm sure I'll blog about the details later.

My feelings on this were conveniently cemented when I got the chance to argue with Jon about it (and inheritance) for about two hours the other day.  Very nice, eh?

Item #4 - my weekend in Wendover.  I spend Saturday in Wendover losing $400, and I have to say, it's some of the most expensive and best therapy that I've ever had.  Not because it was relaxing, no no no.  Far from that, actually.  Rather, it was revealing.  The brief story is this.  I placed 15 in a tourney of 45 (got no money out of it), and then played ring games.  I'm more a tourney player and didn't adjust my tactics very well, so I did poorly.  Then I went on tilt in frustration.

I know, terrible, right?  But then I examined myself.   Why was I going on tilt?  And I figured out that the reason was because I start viewing myself as a person who is "not likable" if I'm losing at something, or making any mistakes.  At basically anything.

I think I can't be liked if I make mistakes?  I think that I'm not a person who deserves to be liked if I'm losing at something?  Including a game with as much luck involved as poker?  Really?  Are you kidding?

So, I've decided . . . it's time to let myself be human.  This is going to be a shocking bit of difficult, but I'm really happy about this revelation.  The therapy that led to it was expensive, but incredibly valuable.

And finally, item #5 - the joy of fruit.  I did a "10 day cleanse," and am technically still at the very tail end of that.  It's a very simple cleanse, meant to adjust your appetite to lighter foods, aid digestion, and help get rid of toxins in your body.  You don't worry about calories or content beyond the rules of the cleanse.

Day 1 and 2:  No meat, alcohol, or sweets (chocolates or whatnot).
Day 3 and 4:  No meat, alcohol, or sweets.  Only fruits, veggies, and liquids (soups are fine).
Day 5 and 6:  Liquid only (soups are fine).  No alcohol, meat, or sweets still.
Day 7 and 8:  

No meat, alcohol, or sweets.  Only fruit, veggies, and liquids (soups are fine).


Day 9 and 10:  
No meat, alcohol, or sweets (chocolates or whatnot).



Doing this really did help, and among other things, it made me fall in love with fruit again!  I hadn't stocked up in a while.  For the cleanse, I got grapes, nectarines, mangos, grapefruit, and oranges - not to mention a few Bolthouse Vanilla Chai.  It was absolutely awesome.



The only problem with this cleanse is that now I'm only in the mood for fruits and salads.  How inconvenient, eh?



Anyway, that's the life of Rob as I'm willing to tell it, so far for the month of February.  Good talkin' to ya.  ^_^

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The Sigh of the Oppressed

Posted on 2/04/2010 10:38:00 AM, under





A note to religious friends and family:  I mean everything I say in this essay.  It is written solely from my perspective with no attempt to criticize the choices made by anyone else.  I welcome any intellectual or analytical debate on the subject.  I won't even read any criticisms founded in purely ethereal concepts.


The Sigh of the Oppressed
The World's Need for Religion

The often misquoted line from Marx says: "Religious distress is at the same time the expression of real distress and the protest against real distress. Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, just as it is the spirit of a spiritless situation.  It is the opium of the people."  Marx's sentiment on religion is often misinterpreted, as is the sentiment of many atheist philosophers throughout history.  Marx, in his examination of the world, declared that the purpose of religion was many fold.  It is not merely the "opiate of the masses" (the only part of the quotation that is commonly repeated) but an expression and protest against the real distress and pain of life.  It is an attempt to find a beautiful something in the midst of a tragic nothing.  I would like to examine two things here.  First, what has brought about religion in today's world?  Second, what is the goal of religion in today's world - and perhaps most importantly, how much is religion succeeding in meetings its goal?

The Origins of Religion


A long time ago there was a God who impregnated a woman of great beauty and wisdom.  This woman was a virgin, but was betrothed to a mortal man.  She gave birth to a demi-God.  This demi-God proved extraordinary through amazing feats in his youth.  As he grew older he faced greater trials, eventually accomplishing feats that were truly miraculous.

Of course, by now you've likely either assumed that I am talking about Jesus of Nazareth or Hercules.  Both are correct answers.  There are differences in the two stories, but from their divine beginnings, their trials, and even their deaths, the two stories parallel each other quite deeply.  Other stories of heroic journeys, demi-Gods, and amazing sacrifice run through common veins in the mythology of many different ages and continents.  Yet somehow, most modern Christians look at the mythology of antiquity as silly and unrealistic.  It is impossible, of course, that Zeus would have descended as a bird or a ring or a ray of light and impregnated women.  There is no old deity being punished for all eternity for defying a God.  And yet the immaculate conception remains unquestioned and Lucifer being cast from heaven is not seen as so problematic.

Why is it that most people stand in such firm denial of old mythology while clinging so strongly to their own mythology (whether it be Pagan, Christian, Hindu, or any of the other brands that exist today)?  Why is it that, after the dethroning of an old mythology, a new mythology so quickly comes to take its place?  In fact, isn't it true that in most history it is only new mythology that dethrones an old mythology at all?  The old Titans and Pagan Gods of the Barbarians held Rome until Zeus conquered them.  Zeus reigned in Rome until the Christian mythology was taught.  Old deities remained prominent in Japan and China until Buddhism migrated from India and Chinese Confucianism and Taoism surfaced.  Norse Gods were removed by Roman.  This replacement of mythologies occurs throughout history and the further back we go the more we will see the sedimentary construction of all religion.

These religions are not so separate, either.  In their similarities we can see what we "chose to retain."  As the cultural transmigration continued it is undeniable that each religion impacted those around it and even those that replaced it.  Many of the values, and even some of the stories, continued on into the next religion.  The Christian mythology of the New Testament shows a combination of Buddhist and Judaic values against of backdrop of familiar Roman mythology.  Historically, we know that Buddhist missionaries had gone to the Middle East two hundred years before Christ and had continued in their presence there up through the time of Christ and beyond.  Rome had conquered much of the Middle East, lending its influence as well.  There are certainly many differences between the faiths that influence each other, however, so we should then ask why exactly that is.

We do not just see an expression of values in what we "choose to retain" in religion as it transmigrates.  We also see an expression of value based on what was rejected.  The story of Hercules and Christ differ in many areas.  The story of Christ places certain "virtues" on a pedestal.  These include humility, kindness, and doing good regardless of the actions of others.  The differences in the story of Hercules exemplify very different virtues:  strength, ambition, and courage.  Each of these sets of virtues is a reflection of cultural values.

Now we finally reach the important questions.  Where do these cultural values originate?  Why are they so important to the culture that they would prove to be the founding principles of the cultural mythology?  Not merely cultural mythology, either, but cultural mythology which would overtake nations again and again.  Cultural mythology for which people would fight and die.

Let's examine a few of the mythologies and cultures that surrounded them.  The Roman deities, valuing strength, wisdom, ambition, and courage.  Roman culture was one that faced the ruthless barbaric cultures that surrounded it on a constant basis.  There was war and bloodshed that occurred on a consistent basis, and being good in battle was mandatory for the survival of any culture.  The value of courage - in this case very frequently meaning a willingness to sacrifice yourself for the benefit of the group on the whole - may not have aided individuals who exemplified it, but it aided the culture on the whole.  Making it a heroic trait increased its frequency, therefore its occurrence, therefore the benefit to the group.  Strength and tactfulness were needed to maintain ground against the enemy.  It is simple to see here that the cultural values were a means to the survival of the culture.


Now let's examine Christianity.  How could it be that virtues such as humility, kindness, and mercy helped the culture survive?  The Christian religion sprang from the midst of the Judaic culture under the rule of Rome.  The Roman rule created a suppression of the people which the Judaic culture was unable to resist.  Judaic law, perhaps once necessary, had become self-destructive in its harshness.  Using "God's law" to punish and even destroy so many of its own people while in the midst of foreign invasion was simply counter-productive.  To survive, the culture needed a break from old values - to something that unified the people rather than dividing them in the face of an enemy.  Humility and mercy in this case are both virtues which exemplify a willingness to disregard other values in favor of unity.  Through this greater unity the culture could survive the rule of a foreign empire, and in fact, would prove the conqueror in time.  Is it any wonder that, in this break from both its Judaic origins and its Roman rule that Christianity should vilify both?  Pontias Pilot and the Jewish courts both condemned the demi-God.  Their overthrow was necessary, after all, to establish this new and stronger set of cultural values.

Even though we may say that these values are needed for the survival of each culture or people, does that truly provide a sufficient foundation for the creation of a founding mythology for which people would fight and die?  I would say that there is far more to it than that.  In order to establish these cultural values, the values needed to be attached to something more immortal than values normally are - less malleable than the human mind, less changeable than a story.  What in this world could ever qualify for these standards?  Quite simply, nothing in this world can.  Something immortal had to be created from the mortal and insubstantial.  It had to be something that people would hold to.  It had to be something significant.

But where does this significance come from?  How can something ethereal be presented as real and be so widely accepted, on trust (or faith) alone?  The conclusion we must draw here is simple.  There is such a need for the significance that is provided that people are willing to grasp at anything that seems to fill that void at all.  Here I will return to Marx's statement: "Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, just as it is the spirit of a spiritless situation."  Let's delve further.

What is the heartless world?  What is the spiritless situation?  According to Marx, it is the situation of the proletariat.  I will tweak his view ever so slightly to fit my own.  I will say that it is the situation of the common man.  An average person (whether because of the class situation or something entirely different) is faced with a world that is harsh and cruel.  He is faced with his own mortality and fragility.  He must fight against a world that has stacked the deck against him.  Here in this country, in the United States of America, we are rich and we are privileged.  Nonetheless, unemployment is high and forty-million are below the poverty line.  Our culture has us working longer with less reward.  Our family structure is falling apart.  Three out of ten are obese.  One in three will be diagnosed with a psychological disorder in their lifetime.  One in five will have some kind of depression or anxiety disorder.  One in seven has attempted suicide.  In brief, we are not happy.  The oppression of our culture against ourselves is real and significant.  We move faster and accomplish less of real significance.  Here, in our country, 75% of the population is Christian.

Mexico is even more in poverty, even worse off, and 88% of the population is Christian.  In Islam nations, impoverished and uneducated people sacrifice their lives for their mythology.  It is the very suffering which creates the void which religion attaches itself to.  First comes the misery, then the sweet relief of the music of religion.  Through religion, those who are in a state of suffering find an "opiate."  They find a way out of the pain which has plagued them.  A life of suffering if lived well will result in an eternal life of .  A world which grants ill reward will be replaced by a world with immeasurable reward.  Our fragility, the source of so much fear, will be removed and replaced with immortality.  In some views, even Godhood.

By providing this relief, the mythology of a culture gains as much immortality as the suffering which plagues the people who claim that mythology.  Mythology is not merely a set of cultural values but the very reason for living precisely because it provides the ability to continue to live.  If the world were a world of pain without relief, merely a world of suffering, with no eternal reward coming after, we may as well just lay it down.  Religion gives the frightened and the weak the reasons to fight on and live their life.

As we examine the non-religious, the atheists, the agnostics - those who have not purchased their mythology - we can see some very strong common strains.  Economically, atheists tend to be better off.  Academically, atheists tend to be better educated.  Born into a "higher class" in society, a lack of wealth or education does not create the need for faith.  I would argue not that atheists are atheist because they are "smart enough" to realize the foolishness of religion, but because they have found appropriate alternate solutions in their lives which remove the need for religion.

Purpose of Religion

As already should be implied at this point, religion finds its purpose in fulfilling a need of the people.  The people require a relief from their suffering.  Disempowered, they flock to a holy power.  Miserable, they latch onto a divine joy.  Distressed, they crave a peace that religion can give.  There is nothing here that is foolish or unreasonable.  In fact, it is pure logic which creates the desire for what religion provides.

The objectives of religion can be broad, but the source of religion's power in today's world stems from its ability to relieve pain and provide at least the semblance of meaning.  Religion does so in, we hope, the name of joy.  It hopes to create a better world by fulfilling these needs.  We must ask additional questions here if we are to truly examine religion.  Is the relief of pain a good thing?  Is the semblance of meaning a good thing?  Is religion, when all is said and done, a good thing?

The "opiate of the masses" seems like quite a fair description to me, here.  Religion undeniably provides a relief of the harsh situation of reality for so many who are trampled by that reality.  Should be condone this opiate?  Should we condemn it?  In and of itself, is there truly anything positive or negative?  I would claim that, as all medicines should be viewed, we can say that the use of this opiate is appropriate in some situations and not in others.

In what situations is the opiate a good idea?  Let me provide a few scenarios.  If one cannot live or tolerate life without the opiate, it is appropriate.  If one is going to die before the pain can be resolved and the opiate provides relief until the end of that time, it is appropriate.  If the pain is completely unavoidable - the injury permanent, the treatment impossible - it is appropriate.

We must ask, then, is the pain of the common man so unavoidable - treatment so impossible - our current lot so intolerable - that we should use this opiate?  In fact, I will say outright that if any of these things are so, we not only should but must use this opiate.  It is the moral choice in these scenarios.

Is our pain intolerable?  This I would contend.  I do not claim to be so extraordinarily knowledgeable and experienced that I have even a general idea of the limits of pain.  What I do know, however, is that I have been astonished in my own life by what I can tolerate.  I have had many times where I have experienced things that I honestly believed I couldn't survive, and yet I did.  I have faced down fears so overwhelming that I thought for certain they would consume.  I won.  I have experience immense physical pain, overwhelming stress, a broken heart, and have journeyed into the debts of nihilism.  I have surprised myself repeatedly.  The pain if fearsome.  The pain of our life and our existence breeds an overwhelming amount of fear in us, and not for no reason.

This fear is only conquered when faced, however.  In this scenario, the opiate becomes a crutch which so often does nothing more than cripple us against pain which we could defeat, but instead, never face.

Are we condemned to have no relief from this pain within our lifetime?  Is it hopeless that we might find some other relief from that pain and sorrow with the tools we have before us and time we have remaining?   I would also disagree with that sentiment.  The opiate provides a relief from a very real pain, and if we are not attempting to remove that pain, like a cancerous growth, it will spread.  Each person has their own meaning which must be found and pursued with tenacity.  It is this pursuit of meaning and purpose which provides the relief - the real relief - for each person.  It is not a "God's purpose" we are to fulfill, which would write us into the roles of other characters, but the awakening of the consciousness both to itself and the world around it, and its decision as a creator to fulfill its decided purpose.  The opiate does not interfere directly, but it does dissuade.  It removes the reality of urgency from our minds.  It weakens us.

But what if this relief of pain, even this real relief of pain, is insufficient?  What if the world we have created, the world which oppresses us, the world in which one in seven attempts to suicide, is unavoidable?  I can't answer this one directly, because I don't the answer.  History has shown that mankind is the bane of mankind.  We have committed the most treasonous acts possible against our own species.  We have committed genocide.  We have created the nuclear weapon.  We have found many forms of slavery.  We are, as a race, more cruel and more vicious than any other creature we know of.  Can this be mended?  Can we find a way to live that is not pure struggle and suffering?

If the answer here is really "no," then the opiate is the only appropriate solution.  If the answer is "yes," or what it actually is, "I don't know," then we must fight on.  This opiate on which we are dependent has filled a void that must be left open to force us to see our world.  Without the relief of a world to come, we must stare our own world in the eyes.  We must face down the demons that we have made.  We must own our fragile existence and do all that we can with the urgent tasks at hand.  If our lives are truly limited, we must fight now.


So I would decline the opiate.  I would say that, for most, the opiate is a counterproductive instrument by which we suppress our own urge to change the world.

So, if this opiate of religion is counterproductive, does this mean that religion is entirely useless?  Does this mean that it should be eliminated?

I am privileged to have an LDS Bishop for a father.  In his role as Bishop I have seen him tend to emotional, economic, and other needs of members of his "ward."  I have an immense amount of respect for the work he does and the work done by the entire LDS community.  Many other religious communities do similar, beautiful work to help their fellow humans in their struggle.

The work they do is good work.  It is work which helps people in a substantial and real way.  Are people motivated merely by God and the consequences in thereafter to do these good deeds?  Is morality dependent on the mythology?

I would say no.  Morality finds its truest form in humanism and the true respect and desire to help other people because of other people.  Not for God.  Not for Heaven.  Due to the respect and recognition of oneness with the human race.

Still, religion should not be condemned outright.  It does many good things and helps both those inside and outside its religion in many circumstances.  It is their actions, like all actions, that should be judged - not merely the body of what they are.  In a world where religion is so deeply rooted, the violent casting out of religion would be more than dangerous - it would be deadly.

Beyond Religion


Marx concludes that "The abolition of religion as the illusory happiness of the people is required for their real happiness. The demand to give up the illusion about its condition is the demand to give up a condition which needs illusions."  Here I will part paths somewhat with Marx.  Each individual must make their own determinations about what is right, good, and best.

The belief in a religious system does not necessarily preclude an individual from trying to make this world a better place.  The practice of religion does not make it improvements and a fulfillment of personal desire impossible.  In fact, the structures and organization of religion, for some, provide the very opportunity for true fulfillment of desire.

This is the world we are in now.  This is the world we have created through our actions.  The opiate is to be condemned only when it demotivates the people from seeking treatment.  The sigh of the oppressed is nothing but logical in its construction, so people grasping to it should not be condemned.

Now is the time when we must turn and recognize the real enemies of fulfillment and happiness.  We must, as a collective whole, looking beyond religious, cultural, or other differences, unite as a people in order to take ownership of our world.  These enemies come in many forms.  They come in the form of corruption and greed - of exploitation and war - of violence and deceit.  It is our responsibility to change the world into what we want it to be.  We are not the pawns of some greater beings.  We are the artists painting the Universe.  Our choices create the world around us, and we, no matter how convinced we are of our own weakness, will always be powerful in ways we cannot even imagine.  "What we do in this life echoes in eternity," but a very real eternity.  The eternity of our own world, of the future of our race, and our chosen destiny as a people.  The ripples of our actions now will cascade out over an infinity.  It is time to wake up to the world we live in and recognize that there may never be a second coming to redeem us - that we must instead redeem ourselves.  It is time to stop retreating to other worlds, and instead become conscious creators of our own reality.

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