So tired. . . .

Posted on 9/03/2010 04:28:00 PM, under

If I just keep screaming, maybe everything in the world will get better.  Ironically, this works for me.

It's not screaming at people.  It's just screaming.  Usually, it's in my car with the music turned up really loud.  If you scream enough, it wakes you up.  But screaming itself gets tiring.

Right now, I'm just getting sick of screaming.  I'm getting sick of proving my existence.  I'm getting sick of the rules and obligations.  The effort.  The strain.

Everything feels like it's toppling out of control.  Ironically, I grab onto things that bring more chaos just to get that sense of "This is something I know."

I'm just so tired.  The caffeine isn't helping.  I slept enough.  I'm just exhausted.  I'm so exhausted recently.  Why can't it just be easy right now?

But then, I don't want easy, do I?  I want something better than that.  So, I guess . . . it's time for more screaming.

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Blessed Offensive Shadows

Posted on 8/26/2010 02:34:00 AM, under

Life throws nothing but curve balls.  The good thing is, for every really terrible miss that it topples you into, it gives you one clear and golden opportunity.

This week has been adventures and breakthroughs and happiness and wealth.  It has been learning how to follow my desires, even the ones I can't have.  It has been learning how to be honest with myself, how to be myself, how to respect myself, and how to love the journey.  It has been excruciatingly amazing.  I'm not exaggerating when I say "I feel like I've found my soul."

And last week—last week was hell.  I couldn't finish work.  I was so worried about my grandpa.  I was so tangled in internal chaos.  I didn't know which way was up, let alone which way I was going.

It's always good to know that these "reversals" can happen.  I'm incredibly grateful for the week I've been having.  I'm so glad that things are looking up, that I've had so much time to spend with people I love, and that my life has been filled with such a sense of meaning and purpose.

Thank you to all of those who have contributed to this.  However, that stated, here's my moment of arrogance: This beauty is no one's fault, but it's being done for someone.  In case you didn't guess, the person is me.  I'm not finding meaning or losing weight or working on my novel or earning money for anyone else.  Not for world peace or to end injustice.  I'm doing all the things I do because I want to.  Because they feel right.  Because, at the core, I know this meaning like I know breath—as natural, as essential, and as beautiful.

P.S.  I'm trying to make crappy pictures of my "favorite events" from the last year.  This is harder than it sounds!  I will keep working on it.

P.P.S.  You should call me sometime.  And we should hang out.  It would be rad.  We'll have an adventure.

P.P.P.S.  Yes, I know that the previous P.S. was addressed to a collective you, and that it implies you specifically only as a literary gimmick.  This does not make it not true!  You should seriously call me, and we should seriously have an adventure.

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SPOILERS AHEAD.

I loved the movie Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.  I thought it was unique, creative, and engaging.  While it lagged briefly at points, it maintained a mostly well paced rhythm.  The characters were fun, the action was among the better produced by American cinema, and the humor was simply superb.

Of course, this movie failed at the box office.  I blame the fact that no one seems to have heard of it.  The reviews have come back mostly positive.  One of the negative reviews frequently given, however, is that this movie is misogynistic.

Interesting.  I want to take a look at that, as well as another movie which I thought was quite good and which received criticisms for being racist.  Of course, that movie is Avatar.  As a storyteller, let me explain my perspective on how these movies use certain plot mechanics, and to what degree the movies themselves should be considered prejudiced.

So, let's talk about Avatar.  "We've heard this story before."  I agree.  Not particularly unique; simply filled with more spectacle.  "Why is it that people keep making movies where white people become the leader of non-white tribes?  Why is it that we feel white people are needed to save them?"  Ah.  Now, there's a question.

Yes, Jake Sully is white.  For sure.  Kinda pale, actually.  See that picture to the right?  He's pasty.  It's interesting, though, that people zoom in on the fact that he's white. What they seem to be implying is that the fact that he is white is symbolic of our own need to dominate, or in a more liberal mentally, redeem and save.  He's not actually just white, however.  He's in a wheelchair.  He's got tattoos.  He's from the military.  He's a twin.  Yet all of these things are overlooked, and I didn't hear anyone saying that the movie represented how handicapped people are required to save foreign tribes.

Sully, an outsider, comes to win the trust of the natives.  He's a twin—not the originally designated scientists; it's why he's military, and reckless.  Thus, his being a twin is a plot mechanic used to push the story forward.

The group Sully comes with is primarily American, at least by appearance.  It's safe to say that this is more commentary on the way America treats natural resources, how businesses exploit others, and how we use military force.  Thus, Sully being white is a part of this mechanic to comment on our current lifestyle.

Sully is from the military.  This allows us to see the military and the scientific aspects of the situation on Pandora.  It gives some dramatic interplay, including internal conflict, for Sully himself.  This makes the movie more interesting.

Sully is handicapped.  This makes his exploration of a new body more interesting, makes his desire to have his legs fixed an incentive that can be used to manipulate him (and which ultimately becomes a symbolic part of what he gives up in order to do what he feels is right).

And finally, Sully is the white guy who saves the Pandoran tribes.  True?  Yep.  But is it racist?  Here's what I propose.  To provide the sort of plot that this movie was aiming for, the main character has to have involvement in both factions.  For the climax to be engaging, he has to be the hero.  To be the hero, he has to stop the "white people" from being total douche bags (by killing them—with arrows, and birds).  Sully's whiteness is simply a natural result of the other aims of the plot.  It is not intentional.  But, is it still there?


Well, people can still claim that, intentional or not, it's symbolic.  Certainly, symbols don't rely on being placed by the authors; some things shine through anyway.  Still, the primary purpose of this film's details is to drive its own plot forward.  If we're going to say that Sully's whiteness is symbolic of our prejudices due to his role in the film, we may also say that it's symbolic that Hispanic people are more nobly rebellious against authority (as with the pilot), smokers are going to make the best top-level scientists, and so forth.  These are character details used to move the plot.  They are not intentionally, or very solidly, symbolic.

Now, let's move on to Scott Pilgrim.  The love interest is Ramona.  Much of the criticism for the movie being misogynistic is that Romona's character is . . . well . . . lacking.  She rollerblades, she's sexually aggressive, a bit moody, and has seven evil exes.  Oh, and she's pretty.  This is enough to make Scott Pilgrim want to date her, facing life-threatening situations for what the movie terms "love."

Well, obviously, she's not a particularly well developed character.  Also, this view on love isn't precisely the best to idealize.  Two notes thus far.  1)  In the comic books, it explains that Scott gets obsessed with Romona because she is using the subspace highway in his brain.  It "rewires his circuitry," or some such.  I think this can also be seen as a statement of "we can't always choose who we fall for."  2)  This isn't exactly designed to be a realistic romance movie.  There are video game bars scattered through the film, random doors leading to other locations, bizarre fight sequences; you get the idea.  Ramona is more of an excuse for these strange things to be happening—once more, a plot mechanic more than a fully rounded character.

People may take that as an indicator that the movie degrades the role of female characters, but it's really all characters (even, to a lesser degree, Scott himself).  People have also pointed out that Ramona's character isn't really "self-sufficient."  She just stands on the sidelines as Scott battles all of her exes for her.

Okay, two additional things.  First, the movie already got a bit lost in sluggish pacing.  In-depth, dramatic discussions about love and purpose aren't what the film's about.  As a parallel to video games, it's a simplified version of life: you have a goal, you know what you have to do to get there, it's hard, and you do it.  I think that works for this movie.

Second, I feel that if Ramona's standing on the sidelines plays a symbolic role, it's in the commentary on the internal struggles of relationships.  This movie is really an externalization of those internal problems, and in this case, the feeling of "having to defeat your partner's exes" makes sense.  People struggle with their own insecurities, feeling that they're not as good as the last romantic partner, or that they are being compared to whatever.  So, in this way, I feel it has very little to do with Ramona.  Again—a plot mechanic used to say something about an internal struggle, not a universal or idealized truth about the behavior of women.

Now, let's get on to Roxy.  This is Ramona's evil ex-girlfriend, and the one person that Ramona faces.  She has to control Scott's hands in order to have him do any of the fighting, and Roxy is defeated by touching the back of her knee.  After this point, she bursts into sexual noises before dying.


This is probably the most misogynistic thing about the movie, but let me provide an explanation.  I think this choice was made very consciously. We can have Scott beating the hell out of a girl, or we can avoid it.  We can have Scott pummel her to death, or we can find something else.  I think that the movie creators likely predicted a poor audience reaction should there be a violent depiction of a fist fight wherein the male character beat the female character to death.

While some action movies do tread this ground comfortably, you can also see a strong trend of "When a girl dies, it's usually because another girl kills her."  Perhaps this is some strange attempt at continuing the nobility of "you don't hit a girl."  At the very least, this may be an attempt to say that Scott doesn't feel he should he a girl.

As for Roxy making sex noises until she explodes—well, I take some issue with that.  There are implications of how "women are defeated" here that I dislike.  While the men go out in a blaze of glory, the female ex essentially orgasms to death.

Then, we have the fact that Scott is kind of a douche.  He is dating a young girl at the beginning of the film, but almost immediately abandons her for the punked out Ramona.  He kisses Ramona before breaking up with Knives.  There is an implication that he has dropped other women in similarly crappy ways.  If the movie had him as the hero and left it at that, this might be a tad problematic, but it really doesn't.  In the end, it's Scott's dumb and douchey decisions that lead to him getting killed.



How Scott eventually wins is by being responsible for his bad decisions and gaining self-respect.  It was not love that pulled him through this (he gets defeated when he uses the "power of love").

My conclusion is that, while there may be some misogynistic moments, the film itself isn't about any sort of chauvinist message.  Rather, most of the things taken as "symbolic" (and subsequently blown out of proportion) are plot mechanics used to make way for an interesting, action-based film.  The message of the film is not, "If a girl is pretty enough, even if she's kind of a bitch, you should fight for her."  Rather, it states that a person must fight through life battles for themselves, learn to be responsible, gain self-respect, and figure out how to like themselves if they are to "win."

Like the messages or not, Scott Pilgrim is an excellent movie.  While its action sequences aren't perfect, they are well constructed, and the general energy in this balanced action-comedy is a rare find indeed.

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A Year Killing Everyone Inside

Posted on 8/22/2010 10:52:00 PM, under

I'm glad to say that my Grandpa is looking better today.  He was so exhausted the last time I saw him that I didn't know how to respond.  Now it feels as if there may be some warning, some chance to say farewells before things are over.  I love him very much, and seeing him struggle is hard for me.  I hope he lives, healthy and happy, for several more years.  I would like it very much if he lived to see me married and with children.

Regardless, the point is, I'm somewhat relieved about that situation.  My negative roommate situation is basically wrapped up now too, although I have taken responsibility for finding a new home for her cat.  The cat deserves a good family, and I won't choose to take care of her.  I also have to find a new roommate.  If I can't by the first of the month, I'm not certain how I will pay rent.  This could have been prevented if I were more on top of things with work last month, but alas, I wasn't.

Recently, I've been giving a lot of thought to concepts of responsibility, fear, self-respect, and attachment.  The point of this blog is not to get into all of these thoughts, but I do want to point out a couple of my conclusions.

First is that responsibility isn't about doing particular things.  I strongly feel being responsible is more about communicating than anything; making yourself a known entity so that others can make accurate decisions around you.  If you want to let yourself crumble, it's fine, but you need to let people know so that they don't rely on you standing, and damage themselves in the process.

Second is that fear is sometimes the appropriate emotion, and shame isn't wrong.  However, while certain things rightly have this fear (the possibility of physical harm, and so forth), fears of defying social normality shouldn't be categorized similarly.  Fear that people will think less of you, for example, makes evident a deeper problem: your fears about judgement are determining your actions.  Facing unknown possibilities is more rewarding, largely because it cultivates deeper self-respect.

Self-respect is crucial.  If you don't respect yourself for who you are, what you want, and what your ambitions are, you wind up as a puppet serving the passions of others.  This chaotic place is neither kind nor rewarding.  There is nothing wrong with respecting your own desire to uphold positive things, but it should be your own desires, not the potential judgment of others, that determines this.  On a related note, I feel anger is sometimes a very valid and healthy emotion that should be expressed (wisely) in order to solidify our own self-respect.

Attachment is an interesting thing as well.  I may or may not move to France within the next year or so.  There are some things I'm okay with leaving behind.  There are other things that would be challenging for me.  It has never been the objects in life that have made me happy; it has been the sense of momentum and meaning.  There are certain people I'm attached to, and some familiar places or feelings that serve as a shelter to me.  The more I'm willing to face these attachments, the less they seem to dictate my emotions.  Admitting you want something that you can't have is freeing.

And today, I've been going through some old files.  I found a lot of cool things that made my outlook on life seem a little kinder.  It's reassuring, seeing that my actions don't vanish.  Pictures that made me smile included: snapshots of myself when I was much heavier; ads from the Seraph Swords site, which I built to profitability prior to shutting down; ocean shots from my trip to California with several close friends; and a picture of an album cover labeled "A year, killing everyone inside."

There are many things I have learned over the last year or so.  One of the items I want to revisit right now is a question that I haven't been able to answer.  "Who am I?"  I have never felt able to describe myself accurately.  Today, I want to try again.

I'm Rob.  I'm an adventurer, and I love having new experiences and traveling to new sights.  I am passionate about life, stories, and people.  I care deeply about finding meaning and being a positive thing in the lives of those who are close to me.  I'm very independent, I'm ambitious, and I'm always eager to learn.

I think that's the gravitational center.  I'm more than okay with that.

Anyway, I wanted to include some pretty pictures in this entry, but I don't have the time.  I also want to go over some of the coolest things that have happened to me in the last year, but that will have to wait as well.  For now, even though it's not my passion, I'm returning to writing and editing articles.  It pays the bills, and allows me to pursue the things I really want.

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Sick of being nice.

Posted on 8/21/2010 03:56:00 PM, under


I am a "nice guy."

Even when I try not to be nice, I end up being nice on accident.  I intentionally work on being not nice with some people, and even vocally say "I know I'm not nice, but—" only to have them interrupt me and let me know I am, in fact, a nice-face.

I'm sick of it.  It has not done right by me in my life.  No, I don't like causing other people harm, and yes, I like to keep peace when possible.  What this has often meant is people trying to walk all over me.  Friends owing me money and never repaying (the total amount, if I tallied everything, ranging into multiple thousands).  Employers underpaying me or overworking me.  Girls relying on me emotionally even when I make it clear that I have my own shit to work on.

People break their appointments with me, they forget about arrangements, and otherwise leave me hanging.  I don't take it lightly.  I let them know I'm pissed off.  But I don't get aggressive.

No, because aggressive is bad.  Because I had a temper when I was a kid.  Because being angry is bad, and you shouldn't be mean, or blunt, or claim the things that you want.  You should let other people pull that shit on you, walk all over you, and "make peace."  Be meek.

Well, fuck that.  I'm so sick of it.  I've been so concerned with being "peaceful," or "meek," or "nice" that I've let my own needs go untended.  I'll let people take more of my time, energy, and emotions than I can spare.  They have no right to any of my resources.  They have no right to any of my time or feelings.  My sympathy, communication, and reasonable nature are things that I give to those I feel deserve them.

I don't need to make more friends.  I have enough friends.  What I need now is respect.  Being appropriately angry at the people who do wrong by me is a part of that.  I'm a person; not just that, I'm a really fucking cool guy.  I'm talented, I'm ambitious, I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm insightful, I'm mature—I'm a hell of a lot of things that most people just aren't.

I don't work a fucking dead end job.  I'm a self made man who earned as much in an hour as most people around me do in a day.  I've completed novels.  I've lost 120lbs.  I've published.  I've traveled the world.  What I am deserves respect.  If people aren't willing to see it, I'm willing to demand it.

Maybe this is just some temper flare that I'll calm down from, but when it comes to "fight or flight," I'm sick of choosing flight.  I'm ready to get into some brawls, I'm ready to smash in some heads, and I'm ready to wind up with more scars.

When people look at tattoos, a lot of time they ask "what does that mean?"  Kanji or tribal symbols or whatever else emblazon the arms of many.  Well, maybe I can get some scars, and they can ask the same question.  And the answer is "I deserve respect."  The scars mean that I demanded it, I fought for it, and I won.

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